But I am ready. I truly am. I am ready to let go of being miserable, alone and lonely. I am ready to embrace the things that are GOOD that come to me without the following sense of dread and guilt. Life is short isnt it?
Let me be open for REAL. Let me LET GO for real. It is time.
Because who better to love me than the one who knows all of my light, darkness, beauty and beast? Once upon a time I beleived it selfish to love me….not entirely selfish but a little bit.But then in the moments of treasuring myself I saw how my heart opened to everybody.I saw how clearly a day of loving me….not waiting for another to love me….not giving all of my love away…..but loving me was an incredible gift to the world and beyond.
And I Shall Love Me – Forever and Ever Amen.
Yesterday’s anger did eventually turn to tears. It always does and it always is sadness and mourning of the loss underlying the anger .
It is a loss you know? Divorce, endings…even if you are the one that made the call. It is a REAL thing….it is a REAL process….and it can be longer than you first expected.
For me I came out of the gates sort of relieved and sort of excited for it had been a long time in the coming. It was twenty years of marriage and ties to one primary relationship. I was determined to triumph and bloom and I have but lets just be real for a moment. Lets be real for real people reading. It is:
Life. Death. Burst. Bloom. Whither. Grow. Trip. Fall. Stumble. Stand. Walk. Run. Fall. Crawl. Life. Death. Humility. Awareness. Doubt. Grief. Pride. Escape. Face. Die. Birth
To be honest I am not exactly sure if it ends. It is life…no? It is the entire cycle of life intensly magnified and presented over the course of a couple years. Yes….that is it. IT is all of the cycles we gradually move in and out of all slammed intensly at once AND presented over and over on a repeat cycle as if to say “SEE….SEE…SEE these are the cycles of life…..once you get it maybe you can go on”. Today’s theory anyways…..
At least yesterdays anger morphed to tears….anger I did not know was sitting inside of me and tears that were waiting to be let out. Beautiful Life.
Sometimes I just can not stop the anger.
Even though I choose to end the marriage it still hurts like hell because is it the truth……is it true that I chose?
No I did not choose. We chose, he chose….we both chose every single minute of every single day that we could not see each other, hear each other and feel each other. The repercussions suck! Two years later it still is a sucky , shitty, reality. Even though we have made it pretty good and relatively stable……….it is not what we wanted for our family.
This was not my dream and I am tired of trying to recreate new. This is supposed to be the time for our kids…..not our time for new life, love and relationships. Same time it is not healthy to live for them. They will have to see us in healthy relationships eventually.
Today I can not stop….today I am angry. Today anger grabbed me by the throat and I transmitted it everywhere and worse…to him…their dad…the thing I want least to do.
Posting old drafts and reading old drafts is very interesting. Again I see myself from a year ago and nowhere the same as I am today. Growth Is Intense.
SHE would try to love herself the way she loved others.
The problem with being a lover
is that you love so BIG and
you think other people are LOVERS
the same way you are.
You think people are looking
for everything good in you the
same way you are looking for
the good in them.
You think everybody wants
to give and love AND
more often than not
you end up loving the wrong
All of the other LOVERS
are doing the same.
She would try to love herself the way she loved others and she would try to save herself for the other good lovers because that kind of passion sets worlds on fire. She would rather be on fire than smoldering and so she would keep trying all of the days for the rest of her life.
I have been writing…honestly I have…just not on here. I am never quite sure how to bring my writing “here”. I do this often with blogs….I change my course and then drop the blog. Letting Go, Being Love? I am still trying to be that but the focus on ease and attracting and focusing on good….it sort of stumped my growth. I had to get real and face hard truths which did not seem to fit. I might make it fit….I have not quite decided.
I am not a very good blogger am I? I am supposed to be consistent….I am supposed to give back….but I am all over the place. It is not that I don’t care about my readers it just that I lose my authenticity when I play by the rules. But just so you know I am still trying to Let Go and Be Love…..it’s a bit stormy in here though. It is very hard to know who I am.
Today on my Facebook page I wrote:
The speed of life when you make big changes can be overwhelming. You get tussled around and violently shook up. You get randomly spit out just long enough to see what you’ve become but realize you are only BECOMING as the whirlwind sucks you down again for yet more growth.
Is more growth possibly you wonder? Do I really want this? Wasn’t how I was good enough?
How you were was good enough but some people are born for more and honestly most people whither if they stay the same too long.
Will it be worth it? I hope so.
What do you think…….is the pain of transformation worth the work? Wouldn’t it be easier to be more certain and never question? I never thought I would be this age and so very fucking lost. Who wrote these rules of life? Not me….I say.