I was exploring around and found some old writing titled Amicable Divorce. It never really is Amicable in my opinion. Or perhaps it is but Amicable is hard. It is really hard to see somebody you loved and still love, that you built a life with and that you have children with on a regular basis and not feel hurt. Even when you are amazing and you don’t blame ~ even when he is amazing and does not blame….it is still super hard and super charged.
I was searching for a letter that I wrote to him this summer but this is what I found instead:
Thursday February 4, 2016
Last night he said “I feel like I have the burden of a wife but none of the benefits.” I was so angered but I did not say anything. It was near the end of a long vent by him via text. In part I have felt the same way. I feel like I have the burden of worrying about him, holding his hand on hard days and well hell…..I have to clean his house and do his book-keeping/marketing and occasionally prepare him dinner. I often feel the same way but it’s really only one perspective. I have many benefits but none of the burden to try to make us fit and truth is we are doing this for the kids and to me it would be a much bigger burden to divide and conquer in a traditional way. That burden would be the burden of knowing I took my kids away from their dad and away from me and split between two homes and even put in a position of graver poverty than the somewhat poverty we already experience. When I reframe the experience in my mind I am so proud. I am proud not only of how we are considering our kids and trying to make an impossible scenario work, I am also profoundly proud that we each have that depth of souls and that depth of general love of life, each other and respect for reality. The reality is we did not function very well as a couple. We did in ways and we did at times but the way we loved each other was not enough and the way we hurt each other was far too much. Maybe it’s not even that….maybe its true that in life we have a path and we come together with people but also end that coming to together to experience new life and new lessons. I can never quite decide what is better ~ to point out the faults and the reasons or settle into acceptance….although as I put those words down it does seem quite obvious. We had four amazing boys together and we have continued to be good parents through much heart ache, hurt and disappointment. Life is short and life does go on. Our patterns were not healthy patterns and I know that this was the only hope that our patterns STOP.
I feel so weary on some days but I do not want to go back. I do not know yet what I want in my future and don’t think a course alone is right for me. I want to love again and I want to love better but it can’t be with him. I can’t erase the way it felt to live with criticism, and a sense of being isolated. I need freedom to grow and soar. I need the kind of partner that allows this and wants this for himself. I recently wrote this “I am going to love, value, and treasure you so we both can grow but I can’t promise for how long”. I wrote it to a friend that struggles to let go when he falls in love. I said “perhaps you can try saying something like this when you meet a woman you like a lot but are afraid to love and be hurt by love or mislead into thinking you love her”. I then was able to joke……that would make great wedding vows and realized after that it really wasn’t funny. I really think that would make an excellent wedding vow. I suppose I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT things are supposed to be forever but I do believe you should love hard while you can.
This morning on Facebook an old friend I know posted this “Shauna baby, tears are still soaking up my shirts. I can’t believe you are gone. You passed in my arms like you were asleep. I never met anyone I loved more. I still cant believe you are gone. I hope to see you again soon. I love you so much….rip baby. I cant believe I am saying these words. I will always love you. I miss you so much. The world seems so hollow now. I’m lost. Walking around like a zombie. Everything just seems so empty. Baby, I love you so much.” His girlfriend died……I have not known him through the years but he did seem deeply impacted by this woman and deeply in love with her. He has closure as this is not a divorce but it is still what I believe relationships and love are. Relationships and love are people who come into our lives to profoundly touch us and change us and bring great gifts to us which I believe is often the gift of children. We should honour the endings of these relationships but not END them. We should honour the ending of the relationship as it was once defined and let it become what it has to be in order for us to continue on our life path. It is a life path you know. It is a joyful, painful, tossing and turning path of building, growing, taking down, pulling apart and putting back to gether. It is a profound thing and an amazing thing if you let life be the life journey it was meant to be.
But its hard……its hard to end. Its hard to let go. It’s hard to move on. I go to my kids now and I go to the house where my ex husband woke, started his day with a coffee and left the house to work hard as he always has to support the home base. It is very strange….I know.
It has taken a lot of time and a lot of soul to find acceptance….but I think we are very close. Amicable is a longer road but it is worth the journey. Love is a Journey Too.