The Letter – Peace, Love & Apologies

At the end of August – roughly a year and a half after I moved out and roughly two years after we officially decided to Divorce my boys and their dad went on a trip.  It was the first time in 15 years that I was away from my kids for more than 2-3 days.  It was very peaceful and long overdue.  It has not all been a cakewalk since this letter but it has been a building on a new, more positive turn plus a lot of letting go.  I feel proud to be at this place in life where I wish only happiness on the people I love no matter how the circumstance ran its course.

 

To My Beautiful Boys & Their Father – WELCOME HOME

Hi boys you are all home and I hope it feels good to be back.  It is always bittersweet when a holiday ends – home is nice but not nearly as exciting and so I hope you settle in and start dreaming up your next adventures.  The cats were on Sam’s bed today while I was cleaning and they were purring and snuggling up all full of love.  They are going to be happy to see you boys and Nelly too.  Nelly has sort of enjoyed her time with me but I am sure she is starting to wonder what happened to her best fellas.

I have had a lot of time to be productive and get many life chores out of my way.  I was also able to get some sleep in time and lots of time to write and get some perspective about life.  I missed you guys so much but I am grateful for the time especially knowing that you guys were on an awesome adventure with your dad.

I wanted to say “thank you boys” ~ you have been ever patient, gracious and amazing while it’s been a pretty tough couple of years for me.  Your forever love has not gone unnoticed.  I also want to apologize for all of the ways I have been crazy, exhausted and often very angry.  You have carried more than you realize and I hope I can make it up to you.  I especially want to apologize for all of the times I got into crazy talk with your father.  I am going to keep working on keeping myself in check and I hope you know that anything I have ever said in anger about him is my own anger and issues to deal with.  That’s how life goes….we can’t blame other people for our actions…….I would like to but I can only take responsibility for myself.  I want you to know that Barnabas is a good man and a good father.  You will take some of my parts and some of his parts…both good and bad…. you will add in a larger part the person you are AND you will be another awesome person that got to live in this lifetime.  Keep up the good work boys.  I will do the same.

Barn thank you for taking the boys on this trip.  It was nice knowing they were out and about seeing a new part of the world with somebody that loves them as much as me.  To you I am sorry for all of my anger over the years.  I understand more every day the part I played in our marriage not working out.  Every day I am letting go a little bit more of my grief, anger, guilt and resentment.  I wish for you joy and possibilities in your future ….. also a little more peace of mind.  Thank you for bringing me these beautiful boys and thank you for letting me be at home raising them.  I would never trade riches nor glory for the time I had with them.

I am doing one last thing for myself tomorrow…..it’s the thing I promised myself that I never did get a chance to do and if I don’t I might feel kind of pissed at myself.  I am going to a yoga class in the morning but we will be up before lunch to hear all your stories and get some meat simmering on the stove.

I love you all forever and forever.  Mama/ Nicole

 

We do the best we can with what we know at the time.  We hope we get a chance to try again.

 

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