On a more serious note “our minds are often ready to move forward long before our heart has healed.” John Gray
It is a step by step process – healing your heart after divorce. I find myself drawn to people going through it as it is a tough place to be. Everybody else is busy on the path of building on the foundation they set and all of a sudden you find yourself starting from scratch. That is why I often tag my posts with death because the end of a marriage is very much the same as a death. It does not matter how your marriage ended – nor does it matter if you were technically married (we were not). What matters is that life as you knew it and the dreams you had for the future are dead and in that death you have to find new life. It is actually a very powerful experience but not one for the faint of heart.
I wrote this to a friend recently who posted publicly that his marriage had officially ended:
Good luck on your journey. For me the layers of healing have been profound and just when I think I’m done it goes deeper. I’ve read several books on the loss of love but recently came across a book by John Gray – Mars and Venus Starting Over. He really gets into the importance of going through the souls grieving and I love how he illustrates the many parts to heal. One of my favourite points he keeps going back to is how our minds are ready to move forward long before our heart has healed. It’s beautifully written – excellent in audio. And while I was never a fan of his Venus / Mars work I love this book. Be kind to yourselves forgiving the other and yourself… and be patient. Healing takes time…. while we are going through the motions we have so much going on at our depths. I wish you both love and healing.
This book I mention is indeed one of many that I have read on grieving and loss. It catapulted me into a project I call the Guilt Project. In his book John Gray says that often people (particularly women) get blocked in the healing process because they can never get to the anger stage of greiving. They get stuck in guilt and never let go. As soon as I read that I started to notice how quickly I would get my back up every time my ex said anything that resembled him not being okay. I would feel guilty, then I would get irrational and angry. We would both walk away from these interactions shocked and unlike the old me I would step back and wonder what the HELL I was doing. Had I gone completely mad? I could totally see that my anger was coming from me. And I was angry about feeling guilty yet was in denial about feeling guilty or maybe not denial just lost and not knowing what to do about it. I figured this was my fate…..I am the one who ultimately made the final decision I would just live out the rest of my life as the asshole that left and did not Love enough. But was it true? No it wasn’t true and in my heart of hearts I knew it And I decided to tackle it or at very least experiment with facing it.
The guilt project went like this – I would write everyday for 30 days on the topic of guilt. No matter what happened and no matter what my mood I would get up and write about GUILT. Sometimes I would call it “my guilt” and other times I would call it “the guilt that was being put on me”. It always sounded of angry. When I was writing I figured I might reread it and share it and that is what I have decided to do now. Maybe you will recognize yourself in it? Maybe you will be inspired to do the same?
Honestly……I think we rush the process. I think the truest thing is what I started this post with “our minds are often ready to move forward long before our heart has healed.” I also think that doing the work makes us much better partners later. I am not saying we wait untill we are perfect but just you know…..do some work. What do you think?