My resistance to the committment I made to rewrite and write-through this guilt project is symbolic of how much a I’ve let go and I am so happy to be in this place almost 2 years after my marriage officially ended. That being said the guilt project which was executed mid August (4 months ago) was a huge step towards letting go by digging in.
To understand what and why this project check the link here:
In short – I wrote about my guilty feelings everyday for 30 days. I have decided that revisiting it everyday for another 30 days is where I draw the line and so I will chunk it where it is suitable to chunk it. The writing I expect will be raw and ugly as I don’t intend to edit much of the original content. But sometimes life is ugly. Sometimes we are ugly. Take HEED.
Day one stands alone quite nicely:
Day One – Guilt and Denial – The Thing About It
A good friend said “oh my you shouldn’t feel guilty, you’re wasting your thoughts feeling guilty”. I think “yes and no”. Of course I shouldn’t feel guilty – relationships end and people get divorced but I do…. I do feel guilty. It’s not a swallow me whole kind of guilt but rather a pestering nagging guilt and it hits me hardest when I start to get happy.
I was told about this guilt. Did you know? The “leaver” feels various levels of guilt while the “one left behind” feels various degrees of abandonment.
I feel guilty when things start to look up for me and that guilt is magnified when I see his life stuck. If I’m honest it was partially the same dynamic in our marriage but that’s another story.
So then there is denial. Everybody loves denial and I do too. But this is what I noticed…. in a race to get over this and start living I went through the motions of opening myself up to life. I pushed a lot…. pushed myself hard to find time to get outside of my box and glimpse new life and new possibilities. If you saw me… you’d never have known I was carrying guilt on my shoulders. To be honest I never noticed really until now. I was in denial. And do you know the problem with denial? In denial you never get to be authentically happy. If you don’t face the “thing” which in my case is guilt you never get to that juicy gorgeous place of happiness. It’s not a place anybody ever gets to stay forever but then again I don’t really know because I don’t face the “thing”.
So this is the thing about guilt and denial. I’m going to kick denial to the side and I’m going to gaze lovingly at the guilt….. and hate the guilt…… and punch out the guilt but I’m not going to pretend it isn’t their. I’m going to kick its ass only by seeing it for what it is.
You get it? I know I shouldn’t feel guilt for all the reasons one shouldn’t feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for all the ways I’m still a friend to my ex and an amazing mother. But the honest to god truth is everyday guilt grabs me by the throat and it’s time to look it straight in the eye and say enough.
Today is a new day. It’s raining. I’m taking my boys to meet new kids and a new mom. My EX mother in law arrives this afternoon. It’s been a long time since we talked. I love her but she is her sons mother and not my own. It might be a good exercise in facing my guilt.
And the verdict is…..I loved re reading and re writing this. It is also not that UGLY but I am sure some ugly is coming.
See how I signed it “love Nicole”? That is how I talk to myself….and I hope you do too.