This is how it would be if I could have my way. Two people who lived a long life and raised beautiful boys cooperating and coming together as needed in a new way. The new chapter of Friendship.
I referred to an incident in my last post……….I am hoping that life moving forward can be how it was in the moments and days of cooperation that followed. I glimpsed it and in glimpsing a new reality I will have hope for peace.
I first got a text “Do you have a dentist ~ I need a dentist?” and so, then I called him which is my new thing because texting is often longer and creates confusion. He explains he has a tooth ache and I chose to be supportive and offered to set up an appointment. I know him well…he needed a dentist month ago, if he is calling me about this now and so an appointment was made for the following day and we all carried on.
That night while I was on my night shift working I got another text “Where is the first aid kit?” and again I pulled over and called him. I was met with the voice of a man in extreme pain and panic. I was met with the man I was with for 20 years who found it impossibly difficult to communicate directly especially in a time of need. I have never been patient about this characteristic of his but I knew this was not a time for life lessons and so I quickly offered to come up to the house with pain relief after a quick stop to the pharmacy. His quick acceptance was indicative of his extreme situation and so I moved quickly. I got some advice and some better pain relief medication and arrived to find him writhing in pain. The man I know that would throw up in the morning from a stomach flu and still go to the construction site and put in a full day was on his side, sweating and I am pretty sure some tears were mixed in with the perspiration on his face. It was sad and scary and I was so deeply sorry for him. I gave him what I had…the kids scrambled around helping and he calmed enough to get through another night. I also rubbed his hands and his arms and it was a strange feeling showing that nurture. I had not touched him in years…certainly not in such a nurturing way and it felt……….real, kind, natural and loving YET peculiar and powerful and not entirely safe. I am not sure if I can explain it but it was powerful. Touch is such a powerful thing. I couldn’t stay long….I had work left to do but I tucked him in and drove away and felt really good about life. This is how it would be if I could have my way. Two people who lived a long life and raised beautiful boys cooperating and coming together as needed in a new way. The new chapter of Friendship.
I am editing…this was written a while ago. I just deleted a couple of paragraphs about the nice next day of soup and support but then the backlash and old patterns that followed and triggered my recent round of “anger. woe” posts. BECAUSE we seem to have landed at or at least are finding our way to the new chapter of Friendship and I think I will focus on that.
Reality is important in healing….expressing “what is”…. is also important in healing AND so is writing a new story and playing out the rest of your life/ moving forward.
Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.
always with LOVE
Everybody should have read this poem once ~ especially if you are a woman and especially if you have made big life changes. I found one of many links where it has been shared. If you have never read it you must…please do.
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Rev Saphire Rose
I wrote this before all of the whining of the past couple of posts. Healing and moving on is cyclical. So much happened since I wrote this BUT this – this is a part of the story and part of the journey and must go down on the page. Here it is:
You know I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS….I am not….NOT, NOT, NOT ~ not writing out and revisiting the The Guilt project. Every day for another 30 days? FUCK IT.
I am sitting and reading over some of it. I did it. I wrote it. For 30 days I wrote and faced that ghost and those lingering doubts and negative thoughts….BUT I am not doing it again because…..I DON’T FEEL GUILTY. Maybe some days I will in moments but I am ready to go forward. I am HAPPY…I want to be HAPPY. That’s is ultimately why I left….why anybody leaves…..WE ALL just want to be happy. The one we choose to walk with has to fit…..and I am not talking about rainbows and fairly dust but it’s got to be GOOD more than its bad. It has to be the “soft place to fall”. IT has got to enrich and enliven. We were not THAT…we just were not…it doesn’t really matter why…IT JUST IS.
I am sitting writing this after having read day 6,7, and 8 and I want to close it AND so I will like this. I will rewrite the snippets that reveal the tipping point of letting Go and then you know what…I am letting go. Real style…like that poem…do you know it? She just let’s go and she doesn’t even announce it.
Okay, okay I failed on that part of “not announcing it” but nonetheless I LET GO. An entire life lays before me and I want to live it richly. His whole life lays before him and he gets to choose how he wants to live it. My responsibility is to my kids and they have made it Crazy ASS Clear when they say THIS ~ “We just want you to be happy mom.” And they don’t just say this in those words. The say it in a million different ways on a million different days and in context to every part of life including my future romantic prospects. THIS IS ALL THAT MATTERS – MY KIDS AND ME which also entails being an example of a human being who changes directions when she has tried everything she can to make something that’s not working work. I am sorry to him…sad that it did not work out BUT I will not carry it anymore. And don’t get me wrong…he matters too…he matters so much…always has and always will BUT HE HAS TO MAKE HIS CHOICES including his choice to find life balance and create a joyful life.
That is what I wrote over a week ago – before my computer crashed and before the incident that triggered first a lot of healthy love and then a lot of the anger resentment written in my most recent posts. So today……today I have my computer back and THIS is true… Fuck it and actually NO…I am not rewriting snippets. The book on forgiveness did say to keep telling your story but let it change. My story is morphing quickly and I will write some of the new story. Life is good…….life is beautiful ~ it is time.
Letting go is a journey worth travelling…….you can’t hang on forever but you can’t just release your grip in an instant. It is a process.
It was the negativity in my marriage that consumed me the most. The criticism and the correction and the expectation that I would always have to be more. I couldn’t keep that pace…..I couldn’t live my life that way and it took all of my energy to sort it out. I am enough…I am not enough…..I should try harder….I am who I am. But really? I had four kids under five at one point. I have four kids within five years of each other. I was all that I could be with who I am. I was all heart and soul…I was all dedication and loyalty….I was all play and connection BUT I was never efficient, organized, and able to keep it ALL going on. Not like he saw in his home….not like he saw in his clients homes….not like he would do if he were in my shoes. I was never enough and while in between the correction and redirecting me he would apologize and smile and say he loved me for me the edge was too sharp and the cuts too deep. I had so much to juggle and I was amazing but I always felt an anxiety about what mood I would be met with. It is still like this….the negativity consumes me. The moods of this past week take me energy and I just want what I always wanted. I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY! I am not going to be his wife and I do not carry it the way I used to but that is really all I want. If only I could learn detachment and not allow the negativity to consume me.
I am so lucky in life….I am so loved. I have friends that match my passion and I have friends that look at me with awe. The theme of them being in awe of me is my natural tendency to be terrifyingly vulnerable and open. I see no other point…..and I scare people often.
So yesterday in text to the friend I most terrify I said “Do you honestly believe there will ever be a man that can handle me and will love me. For Me. For all of me that I am not just a shiny, pretty face. I am kind of ready”
And she said “yes…and he will be amazing”.
I am willing to wait……I will not settle for a stand in….but this is all I really know for sure.
I am a tangled mess of everything beautiful, hopeful and yet so much doubt and fear. For some reason it feels better when I am not in hope. But that seems wrong…..it seems wrong to stay in that safe place.
The past…trying to clear it but because we have kids the past is not the past…is it? It is hard.
The future…I connected with an old friend and my heart went pitter…patter but I am terrible at beginnings. I read everything wrong and I can not strike a balance between all in and all out. I feel vulnerable and scared but then I come across as bold and beautiful…..but I am not…..I am just me and terribly tangled.
I am tangled up in my past and so close and ready to go into my future. Will you hold my hand and walk me across? I am very good alone but I do not want to walk alone.