It was the negativity in my marriage that consumed me the most. The criticism and the correction and the expectation that I would always have to be more. I couldn’t keep that pace…..I couldn’t live my life that way and it took all of my energy to sort it out. I am enough…I am not enough…..I should try harder….I am who I am. But really? I had four kids under five at one point. I have four kids within five years of each other. I was all that I could be with who I am. I was all heart and soul…I was all dedication and loyalty….I was all play and connection BUT I was never efficient, organized, and able to keep it ALL going on. Not like he saw in his home….not like he saw in his clients homes….not like he would do if he were in my shoes. I was never enough and while in between the correction and redirecting me he would apologize and smile and say he loved me for me the edge was too sharp and the cuts too deep. I had so much to juggle and I was amazing but I always felt an anxiety about what mood I would be met with. It is still like this….the negativity consumes me. The moods of this past week take me energy and I just want what I always wanted. I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY! I am not going to be his wife and I do not carry it the way I used to but that is really all I want. If only I could learn detachment and not allow the negativity to consume me.