Consuming Negativity

It was the negativity in my marriage that consumed me the most.  The criticism and the correction and the expectation that I would always have to be more.  I couldn’t keep that pace…..I couldn’t live my life that way and it took all of my energy to sort it out.  I am enough…I am not enough…..I should try harder….I am who I am.  But really?  I had four kids under five at one point.  I have four kids within five years of each other.  I was all that I could be with who I am.  I was all heart and soul…I was all dedication and loyalty….I was all play and connection BUT I was never efficient, organized, and able to keep it ALL going on.  Not like he saw in his home….not like he saw in his clients homes….not like he would do if he were in my shoes.  I was never enough and while in between the correction and redirecting me he would apologize and smile and say he loved me for me the edge was too sharp and the cuts too deep.  I had so much to juggle and I was amazing but I always felt an anxiety about what mood I would be met with. It is still like this….the negativity consumes me.  The moods of this past week take me energy and I just want what I always wanted.  I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY!  I am not going to be his wife and I do not carry it the way I used to but that is really all I want. If only I could learn detachment and not allow the negativity to consume me.

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5 thoughts on “Consuming Negativity”

  1. “It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.”

    ― Sir Winston Churchill

    Stop trying to do your best for him, because it will end up destroying you.

    Do what is required. He has to find peace for his soul all on his own. You can’t find it for him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is how he carries himself around the kids….how he is angry and lonely that bothers me the most because how it translates into the energy he creates in the house that is the home of our children. And of course the energy I feel when I am here all day long with them. a more traditional split I think must be easier.

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      1. nesting, or at least as it is used by the courts here, is when the kids stay in one home and the parents take turns in the home. supposed provides a bit more consistency for kids.

        Liked by 1 person

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