Fuck This Shit

I wrote this before all of the whining of the past couple of posts.  Healing and moving on is cyclical.  So much happened since I wrote this BUT this – this is a part of the story and part of the journey and must go down on the page. Here it is:

You know I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS….I am not….NOT, NOT, NOT ~ not writing out and revisiting the The Guilt project.  Every day for another 30 days? FUCK IT.

I am sitting and reading over some of it.  I did it.  I wrote it.  For 30 days I wrote and faced that ghost and those lingering doubts and negative thoughts….BUT I am not doing it again because…..I DON’T FEEL GUILTY.  Maybe some days I will in moments but I am ready to go forward.  I am HAPPY…I want to be HAPPY.  That’s is ultimately why I left….why anybody leaves…..WE ALL just want to be happy.  The one we choose to walk with has to fit…..and I am not talking about rainbows and fairly dust but it’s got to be GOOD more than its bad.  It has to be the “soft place to fall”. IT has got to enrich and enliven.  We were not THAT…we just were not…it doesn’t really matter why…IT JUST IS.

I am sitting writing this after having read day 6,7, and 8 and I want to close it AND so I will like this.  I will rewrite the snippets that reveal the tipping point of letting Go and then you know what…I am letting go.  Real style…like that poem…do you know it?  She just let’s go and she doesn’t even announce it.

Okay, okay I failed on that part of “not announcing it” but nonetheless I LET GO.  An entire life lays before me and I want to live it richly.  His whole life lays before him and he gets to choose how he wants to live it.  My responsibility is to my kids and they have made it Crazy ASS Clear when they say THIS ~ “We just want you to be happy mom.” And they don’t just say this in those words.  The say it in a million different ways on a million different days and in context to every part of life including my future romantic prospects. THIS IS ALL THAT MATTERS – MY KIDS AND ME which also entails being an example of a human being who changes directions when she has tried everything she can to make something that’s not working work.  I am sorry to him…sad that it did not work out BUT I will not carry it anymore. And don’t get me wrong…he matters too…he matters so much…always has and always will BUT HE HAS TO MAKE HIS CHOICES including his choice to find life balance and create a joyful life.

That is what I wrote over a week ago – before my computer crashed and before the incident that triggered first a lot of healthy love and then a lot of the anger resentment written in my most recent posts.  So today……today I have my computer back and THIS is true…  Fuck it and actually NO…I am not rewriting snippets.  The book on forgiveness did say to keep telling your story but let it change.  My story is morphing quickly and I will write some of the new story.  Life is good…….life is beautiful ~ it is time.

Letting go is a journey worth travelling…….you can’t hang on forever but you can’t just release your grip in an instant.  It is a process.

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