Will I Allow Guilt To Sneak In?

Guilt reared its ugly head but it was fleeting.  I know it will try to find its way in and I have to learn new strategies to blow it away.  It does not belong here.  I did nothing wrong.  I simply made the final decision to end a marriage that was not good for either of us.  And not a two year marriage….but a 2 decade marriage.  And not a marriage filled with cheating, lies and abuse…. but a marriage that I gave my all to.  And most importantly a marriage that officially ended THREE years ago!

I look back at who I was and I would like to have been more…but I was not.  I was operating on the level of who I was and it was not enough in that situation and with that man.  I look back at who he was – he wanted to be more too but more of something that simply did not serve our relationship.  I know he too has learned.  I know he is a better man.

We have been getting along very well as coparents and it’s a mind puzzle to keep the understanding that we get along because we are not trying to be what we are not.  We are getting along yes because we have grown but more than anything because we are better off this way.  I do know this but I get weird about making sure he knows it AND then I awkwardly bring it up and say things like “all this getting along…you know it doesn’t mean we will ever be together?” He laughs a big laugh and says “Nooooooo of course not. We could never be together.  I do not want that.”  I have to trust he means it and I mostly do but he has always had the ability to plaster on a smile ~ and it’s always the same conclusion for me I just want him to be okay.  He is the father of my children and I will always want him to be okay.

Guilt snuck in why?  Guilt snuck in because I connected with a man that feels like home.  And while I do not want to get too far ahead of myself I am pretty sure this man and I will be on a journey for a while.  I always knew I would go first….on to my own new relationship but it would have felt easier had he gone first.  I worry a bit about his reaction and how it will affect our current positivity.  I wonder when it would be best to tell him and what I will say. I know now is too soon but I have this urge to get it off my chest.  Somehow in it all I must remember that as much as I care I do not owe him anything AND I can not allow fuss and worry about him to get in the way of my creating a sweet new life for me. And I wonder if any of you will understand this but I also have to make sure I do not put a wedge between us as subconcious strategy to make sure he is not feeling too close to me and hence will be hurt more when it comes out in the wash.

Your thoughts are appreciated here……truly.  It felt good to write about this today.

~ Always With Love


Love Notes To Me ~ Beautiful Unfolding

Scribbling love is something everybody should do with morning coffee and so I share more Love Notes To Me.

February 6,2017 ~ a couple of days ago

Life unfolds beautifully as it should.  You are a good mom, a good friend, a good daughter, a good granddaughter.  Life is taking its time because you needed to grow and you are growing and it is so beautiful to watch.

I love you. Thank you for never giving up on life and love.  Thank you for protecting yourself with a softer armour versus none at all.  Thank you for being always YOU.

I hope that you can stand outside of yourself and see yourself with love today and everyday but even once in a while will do.

~ Always With Love

Will I Fall In Love?

I am pretty sure I will and it feels like this one might just be unstoppable.  Unstoppable and different in that I stand in my own power.  I am not sure how I got to this place of standing in my own power but it is very true what they say “you attract from where you are at”.  You attract the lessons you need to grow even if they feel like really bad lessons.

This one has a very unusual twist and I am so worried that the twist will shake it down in a way that it won’t happen YET something about the connection feels so authentic, true and genuine that maybe the twisty gliche parts will be a laughable thing that makes for a very sweet story later on.

So…just sayin YES I might fall in love.

~ Always With Love