Guilt reared its ugly head but it was fleeting. I know it will try to find its way in and I have to learn new strategies to blow it away. It does not belong here. I did nothing wrong. I simply made the final decision to end a marriage that was not good for either of us. And not a two year marriage….but a 2 decade marriage. And not a marriage filled with cheating, lies and abuse…. but a marriage that I gave my all to. And most importantly a marriage that officially ended THREE years ago!
I look back at who I was and I would like to have been more…but I was not. I was operating on the level of who I was and it was not enough in that situation and with that man. I look back at who he was – he wanted to be more too but more of something that simply did not serve our relationship. I know he too has learned. I know he is a better man.
We have been getting along very well as coparents and it’s a mind puzzle to keep the understanding that we get along because we are not trying to be what we are not. We are getting along yes because we have grown but more than anything because we are better off this way. I do know this but I get weird about making sure he knows it AND then I awkwardly bring it up and say things like “all this getting along…you know it doesn’t mean we will ever be together?” He laughs a big laugh and says “Nooooooo of course not. We could never be together. I do not want that.” I have to trust he means it and I mostly do but he has always had the ability to plaster on a smile ~ and it’s always the same conclusion for me I just want him to be okay. He is the father of my children and I will always want him to be okay.
Guilt snuck in why? Guilt snuck in because I connected with a man that feels like home. And while I do not want to get too far ahead of myself I am pretty sure this man and I will be on a journey for a while. I always knew I would go first….on to my own new relationship but it would have felt easier had he gone first. I worry a bit about his reaction and how it will affect our current positivity. I wonder when it would be best to tell him and what I will say. I know now is too soon but I have this urge to get it off my chest. Somehow in it all I must remember that as much as I care I do not owe him anything AND I can not allow fuss and worry about him to get in the way of my creating a sweet new life for me. And I wonder if any of you will understand this but I also have to make sure I do not put a wedge between us as subconcious strategy to make sure he is not feeling too close to me and hence will be hurt more when it comes out in the wash.
Your thoughts are appreciated here……truly. It felt good to write about this today.
~ Always With Love