When you really let go you finally do not want to mull it over anymore. When it comes up and you are pulled in you do not take the bait…..bit by bit, more and more untill you just DON’T AT ALL…..not again.
It is a rather long walk with lots of peaks and valleys but eventually you decide to move to new terrain. It is hard…it was a lifetime but you just have to let go eventually. A New life awaits you…..you deserve a good life….it is okay to want that for yourself.
I really walked into some weeks of ANGER…..
Do you remember? I was writing about Guilt and then I started to write about Anger because that was going to be the next step BUT I decided I did not want to be in Anger. Well…that is the thing about healing I found……you do not really get to skip the stages and so it came.
I erupted in anger triggered by old patterns with my ex. Patterns that are why we are not together in marriage but patterns that glue us together because of our kids. I wrote about it and was going to share but it was big enough all by itself. Rewriting would have killed me.
I hated being in so much angry energy and I acted ungraciously but I made my point. Not only did I make my point but I also grew in awareness about some of the realities of my marriage that I had denied. Some of the reasons my marriage ended are painful to realize. In a way some of the realizations make me feel foolish and I fear for the person that I can be that was willing to put herself so far on the back burner.
It is too much to share but in short….I carried the marriage….I was the only one really in a relationship and he was a “doer” AND I made the compromises and the little things that mattered to me did not matter enough to him. He was not willing nor interested in growing or changing. It does not matter….I do not share to point fingers BUT this…this is the golden nugget:
The guilt I felt for being the one that chose to end “us”….it is so very absurd. He left “us” long before and I communicated in every way my needs that would have brought me back on board. He chose to let me go and so I forgive myself fully.
Anger and Forgiveness? Guilt first (usually for woman…that masks the anger), then Anger…then forgiveness of both of you? I have written a lot about forgiving him but I am not sure I forgave myself. And in this new bout of Anger I can see it. I can see letting go for real.
See…here I am starting my work in dealing with guilt:
And then here I am feeling quite done with that project:
And here I am going into forgiveness:
But now I think…I hope…my moving through anger is the final tipping point. It is time.
How about you? Are you ready to let go for real?
~ Always With Love