The ex husband, the father of my four beautiful children, the man I lived and breathed for two decades… he hurts, he hangs on, he bruises me, he demands of me, he pretends that he is okay this way… okay alone and okay serving his kids but he is not. He spills out everywhere… he smiles in all the right places for all of the right people but he is miserable to me… he hurts me… he always did… something about our dynamics… we always hurt each other. He has problems that I still try to fix… right now its financial and its huge. I am working two jobs and finally in control of my life but I am dishing out to him because he plays the cards well. He paints a partially true picture of his burden and the guilt grabs me by the throat. It takes me down. I go down with his ship trying to save him and save my children from watching their father go down. My life is good but I can not break away. My kids feel settled but he says things and talks change that he does not really mean. He stirs the pot. He creates a new crisis… we can never move forward. He holds us back by never moving on. He is a talented man but will not pick up and make his life move forward financially. Is it easier to give up and blame divorce? He is an attractive man but has not been with a woman in the four years since we split. Is it easier to claim misery?
I feel the past trying to pull me back. The present is pretty great. The future is a beautiful light with so many things I wish for in my life.
Grow away? Thats what we do in relationships… grow right? Sometimes I feel like the triggers between us are just that … the universe putting a magnifying glass on what we have failed to learn. But I am tired of feeling tired, I am tired of my energy going to him. I wish he would grow somewhere else. We had our chance. We had 20 years to treat each other right and to learn each other. We had 20 years to figure out how to be a soft place to fall and it rarely was that. It was hard and harsh and harmful. I felt guilty when I left. But I saved our kids from what was much worse than a split family… I saved them from watching love be a place of hurt.
I am sad today… it is not easy.
~ Always With Love