Everything Came Together

Everything came together, just like they said it would. It took time. More time than I expected and more time than those around me. I watched other people move on and felt scared and ugly stuck in the mud of the past. I watched other people loosen ties to the past but I could not let go no matter how many times I read the words “let go”. 

AND THEN somewhere in pushing forward towards other / random new experiences…. somewhere in that things changed. In my movement in a new direction came new life in all ways including new love.

Move forward and YES take all the time reflecting that you need but when you are straight up sick and tired about how things are FIND your energy. Just do it no matter how impossible it seems.

~ ALWAYS WITH LOVE

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Work In Progress

Shifting, Growing, Moving 

Faster Moving Than I Am Used To

Missing The Reflection And Reflecting Time

But Understanding

This Is Where I Collect My Stories, Life, Love, And Experience.

In The Action And Movement Is The Growth I Truly Needed.

Reflection And Sharing Time Will Come

WHY all THE CAps? No IDEA. Just happened and I think letting that go is an alright idea.

Hope you are all well.

~ Always With Love

Doors Open, Life Goes On And Always Back To Love

Life is moving so fast. I am working hard and doors are opening. In it all I am doing well but stumbling and tripping a lot. 

Thankfully some of the moving involves a very wonderful and kind man. I never really believed that would happen for me. I wanted to believe but I was preparing for not and never settling for less than love in between. I was strength and working on self love but scared that this would mean I would be all strong and no softness. It is really awesome to be both. In this way I am very happy.

Things have changed dramatically with the exhusband and kids. Our family has moved forward but that needs to be a separate piece. Three years they say…. to go through the grieving stages of divorce….. yes, I think so and I am glad that I took that time mostly alone. I was not a saint focused on myself, I chased situations, moved in and out of possibilities but I ended up alone in between and that is where I grew. All that pain so worth it.

I am working two jobs now… the main reason for not writing. I have been thinking about my journey to healing and self love AND I have been thinking about all those ups and downs… never settling, walking away, letting things that do not work end where they end. Letting Go Being Love … YES THAT. I have been thinking about self love and how that applies to work and how hard we push ourselves to work. In a way that is why I am writing today… to remember what I love… which is heart felt expression because I want to always be that and I want to always grow and share that growing. I have been unsure what to do with this blog but maybe this is it… let it be about rebirth of so many things but not erasing the past that got me here. 

Anyways… I miss so many of you.

~ Always With Love

Active and Engaged

I am active, engaged and loving it. Engaged with life, my self and my progress. It is pretty cool to be in this space. I have even shrugged my shoulders at overatures of men. I even walked away from a man who seemed very intriguing. Its not like me… I have always let men be a focus but its not out of bitterness. I am finding my way. Almost too much to tell but I will share when I can.


~Always With Love

What Would Somebody That Loves Themselves Do?

I read this question recently “what would somebody who loves themselves do?”

I have been practicing loving myself and thinking about this question all week since my ex husband has been around which has given me some freetime from my kids. 

I am only really learning this now in my fourties. I had a knee jerk reaction to what I percieved as selfishness in my mom but I took it too far. I have been surrendering my needs for almost two decades and it was making me bleed. I have four boys and I was married right? What better excuse for not having time to do things for myself – like you know eat properly, excercise, read and write. That was sarchasm… but the sad truth of how I hyper neglected myself in the realm of “married with children” life.

So this week: I bought the unlimted weekly yoga pass, I made time for Knox, I rode my bike under the stars and TODAY…… today I went boating with a friend, had a nap after and then took myself out for supper. I had the second Caesar and I had dessert AND I sat alone and felt quite comfortable in my own skin. Because hell ya.. I am not waiting anymore for somebody to bring me flowers. It felt utterly indulgant.

I went for a walk after and I did miss the man I rarely mention here. Did you notice? There was a man and he ran cold turkey style AND it left me rattled.  That was two months ago now but do you see? It has only led to more growth and so while I missed him on the walk I thought again “never settle”… “never sell yourself short”… “never settle for less than heart n soul love”. “Never try to convince a man to stay…. in fact perhaps it is time to only surrender to the man that convinces you to stay.” For now there will be no looking. For now I will give it to myself and love myself hard so I will know what that feels like and so then know when its less than that.

See it? The point of self love? It’s two parts – one is loving yourself and filling your own cup so its full and can run over and spill out to everyone, two is the same loving yourself and filling your own cup but this time it is so you can see the difference between somebody who adds value vs somebody who only invests partway. I am not talking about positive vs negative adding value but rather adding value by being present. I am not looking for perfect but only perfectly engaged in the moments we have together.

Maybe this is the silver lining of being married almost two decades and losing in the love. It springboards you to a new level. You had the “come hell or high water relationship” with the kids and the “happily ever after”. You got shot out the other side wiser and more discerning. In this foreign land of single people you try again at love and get burned. You see this world full of scarred, hurting and hiding people but you learn to drop the mask in a very real way. 

The route of freedom.. dropping the masks and even in this you have so much self acceptance and love that you accept that you will often put the mask back on.. you are simply “only human”. Maybe you learn not only to love yourself but you learn to love humanity. Maybe you take a lover in the end but maybe you don’t. Maybe you have good friends instead. Maybe you have a new found pool of reserves to love your children… perhaps even your exhusband. Maybe you are just so full of love in the end that nothing looks the same. 

Yeah… growing. Learning to Love yourself. A friend that I adore once said to me “never give up on love.” I have not and I never will but this shifting of its definition is profound. We let go, we live, we love on.

SORRY it is a bit tangenty and chopped up.

~ ALWAYS WITH LOVE

Ex Bashing

I truly feel that bashing your ex is the most unhealthy and pain inducing thing you can do on your healing journey.  It is healthy to talk real and call an ace an ace in a moment but generally pointing fingers and placing blame only hurts you more in the end.  It also stops your own healing.  It is only you in the end that you can change and it is only you that can grow and choose better.

Men are good.  Women are good.  We are all doing the best we can.  Move forward-looking up.

~Always With Love