Ex Bashing

I truly feel that bashing your ex is the most unhealthy and pain inducing thing you can do on your healing journey.  It is healthy to talk real and call an ace an ace in a moment but generally pointing fingers and placing blame only hurts you more in the end.  It also stops your own healing.  It is only you in the end that you can change and it is only you that can grow and choose better.

Men are good.  Women are good.  We are all doing the best we can.  Move forward-looking up.

~Always With Love

When You Really Let Go

When you really let go you finally do not want to mull it over anymore.  When it comes up and you are pulled in you do not take the bait…..bit by bit, more and more untill you just DON’T AT ALL…..not again.

It is a rather long walk with lots of peaks and valleys but eventually you decide to move to new terrain.  It is hard…it was a lifetime but you just have to let go eventually.  A New life awaits you…..you deserve a good life….it is okay to want that for yourself.

I really walked into some weeks of ANGER…..

Do you remember?  I was writing about Guilt and then I started to write about Anger because that was going to be the next step BUT I decided I did not want to be in Anger.  Well…that is the thing about healing I found……you do not really get to skip the stages and so it came.

 

I erupted in anger triggered by old patterns with my ex.  Patterns that are why we are not together in marriage but patterns that glue us together because of our kids.  I wrote about it and was going to share but it was big enough all by itself.  Rewriting would have killed me.

I hated being in so much angry energy and I acted ungraciously but I made my point.  Not only did I make my point but I also grew in awareness about some of the realities of my marriage that I had denied.  Some of the reasons my marriage ended are painful to realize. In a way some of the realizations make me feel foolish and I fear for the person that I can be that was willing to put herself so far on the back burner.

It is too much to share but in short….I carried the marriage….I was the only one really in a relationship and he was a “doer” AND I made the compromises and the little things that mattered to me did not matter enough to him.  He was not willing nor interested in growing or changing.  It does not matter….I do not share to point fingers BUT this…this is the golden nugget:

The guilt I felt for being the one that chose to end “us”….it is so very absurd.  He left “us” long before and I communicated in every way my needs that would have brought me back on board.  He chose to let me go and so I forgive myself fully.

Anger and Forgiveness?  Guilt first (usually for woman…that masks the anger), then Anger…then forgiveness of both of you? I have written a lot about forgiving him but I am not sure I forgave myself.  And in this new bout of Anger I can see it.  I can see letting go for real.

See…here I am starting my work in dealing with guilt:

https://booksnblogsblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/14/healing-your-heart-the-guilt-project

And then here I am feeling quite done with that project:

https://booksnblogsblog.wordpress.com/2016/12/18/fuck-this-shit

And here I am going into forgiveness:

https://booksnblogsblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/07/the-letter-peace-love-apologies

 

But now I think…I hope…my moving through anger is the final tipping point. It is time.

How about you?  Are you ready to let go for real?

~ Always With Love

Over & Done With

This is how I am feeling.  The process of letting go after almost two decades of marriage is a long and windy road.  At some point and time you just have to let it be over and done with.

 

 

I wish there was a pill for letting go….don’t you?  Or would you choose the growth required to get you to this point?  hmmmmmm I think I would choose the growth actually.

~ Always With Love

She Said What?

I love what comes down on the page…..it usually surprises me though sometimes it is simply mundane.  This morning it was wise.  She said some wise stuff that is going to take me to a new level of peace….I think….I have that feeling.  It just came down and that’s the whole point of it right?  You point the pencil to the paper and all of the thoughts you have been collecting come together and you create a meaning.

It was about my divorce this time and/or my marriage depending on how you look at it.  A new clarity of what I need to say and how I need to think for more moving forward.  Stay tuned….I will be posting it up.

What wise thing did you say to yourself today?

~ Always With Love

Love Notes To Me

I am not entirely sure when I started writing love letters to me but it has been woven into my life for a very long time.  I am not sure who taught me the importance of being kind to myself, championing myself, cheering myself on but I suppose it was several people. And so this morning and last night when I decided to sit down and read “me” for inspiration I also came up with the idea to share these with you.  I hope they inspire you to write love letters to yourself.  I hope they inspire you to champion yourself.  If you are not sure where to start I have one thing small to offer that was offered to me once (perhaps the start of me consciously writing this way over twenty years ago).  Write down one thing you know to be true everyday.  Write a wisdom that reflects back to you that you are indeed wise.  Fall in love with yourself.

January 21, 2016 ~ Today

Love, it was so sad to leave your marriage but look how you have grown.  That was your heart longing and screaming. It was self-love that pulled you away.  You named it curiosity, temptation, mid-life crisis ~ you worried you were being selfish. You thought it was about other love and other men/possibilities but it was always about becoming more of you and you knew this too BUT you tried to name it.  You can’t blame you and analyze ~ or you can, and you do, and you DID but that is/was a waste of energy because wanting to go the way you wanted to go, in that crazy and insane pulling at your heart way that you always referred to as “your heart screaming at you to leave” ~ that was only about your self-love and your spirit and your life learning journey.  Look at who you are becoming?

 

I hope you can see through the forest at what you are becoming.  I hope that whatever journey you are on you KNOW that it is all so that you can shine on through and be the best gift that you are in this life.

~ Always With Love

Is It Harder In The Winter?

Perhaps it is harder in the Winter to be single/alone/without a lover or tribe of friends?  Yes I am stating the obvious but REMEMBER ~ nature would have us tucked in, warm, and resting.  Nature would have us preparing to rejuvenated for the new Spring of life that is coming.

And Maybe even worse this cycle gets interrupted when there is big loss and mourning. Maybe we move into Winter mentally during the Spring because that is when the big loss happened.  Then when Winter comes it feels like an extra long winter. So we find ourselves alone and reflecting for far too long and we crave that new season but it is not time.  And we are resting and hibernating Alone….maybe not lonely but it can be a long Winter alone.  Life does feel complicated when your dreams and visions get swept out from under your feet.  Even if you are the one that swept your life out from under your own feet.  It gets complicated and exhausting.

But maybe…just maybe it is so much harder in the Winter?  And maybe this hard winter will be the hardest Winter of your life.  And perhaps this new Spring coming will be the beginning of a life you never would have dreamed.  Have HOPE my friends.  I do…

~ always with love

The Incident – Chapter of Friendship

This is how it would be if I could have my way.  Two people who lived a long life and raised beautiful boys cooperating and coming together as needed in a new way.  The new chapter of Friendship.

I referred to an incident in my last post……….I am hoping that life moving forward can be how it was in the moments and days of cooperation that followed.  I glimpsed it and in glimpsing a new reality I will have hope for peace.

I first got a text “Do you have a dentist ~ I need a dentist?”  and so, then I called him which is my new thing because texting is often longer and creates confusion.  He explains he has a tooth ache and I chose to be supportive and offered to set up an appointment.  I know him well…he needed a dentist month ago, if he is calling me about this now and so an appointment was made for the following day and we all carried on.

That night while I was on my night shift working I got another text “Where is the first aid kit?” and again I pulled over and called him.  I was met with the voice of a man in extreme pain and panic.  I was met with the man I was with for 20 years who found it impossibly difficult to communicate directly especially in a time of need. I have never been patient about this characteristic of his but I knew this was not a time for life lessons and so I quickly offered to come up to the house with pain relief after a quick stop to the pharmacy. His quick acceptance was indicative of his extreme situation and so I moved quickly.  I got some advice and some better pain relief medication and arrived to find him writhing in pain.  The man I know that would throw up in the morning from a stomach flu and still go to the construction site and put in a full day was on his side, sweating and I am pretty sure some tears were mixed in with the perspiration on his face.  It was sad and scary and I was so deeply sorry for him.  I gave him what I had…the kids scrambled around helping and he calmed enough to get through another night.  I also rubbed his hands and his arms and it was a strange feeling showing that nurture.  I had not touched him in years…certainly not in such a nurturing way and it felt……….real, kind, natural and loving YET peculiar and powerful and not entirely safe.  I am not sure if I can explain it but it was powerful.  Touch is such a powerful thing. I couldn’t stay long….I had work left to do but I tucked him in and drove away and felt really good about life.  This is how it would be if I could have my way.  Two people who lived a long life and raised beautiful boys cooperating and coming together as needed in a new way.  The new chapter of Friendship.

I am editing…this was written a while ago.  I just deleted a couple of paragraphs about the nice next day of soup and support but then the backlash and old patterns that followed and triggered my recent round of “anger. woe” posts. BECAUSE we seem to have landed at or at least are finding our way to the new chapter of Friendship and I think I will focus on that.

Reality is important in healing….expressing “what is”…. is also important in healing AND so is writing a new story and playing out the rest of your life/ moving forward.

Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.

always with LOVE