I am active, engaged and loving it. Engaged with life, my self and my progress. It is pretty cool to be in this space. I have even shrugged my shoulders at overatures of men. I even walked away from a man who seemed very intriguing. Its not like me… I have always let men be a focus but its not out of bitterness. I am finding my way. Almost too much to tell but I will share when I can.
This here is something beautiful. Love yourself for the journey you are on and everything you have been through so far.
~ Always With Love
I read this question recently “what would somebody who loves themselves do?”
I have been practicing loving myself and thinking about this question all week since my ex husband has been around which has given me some freetime from my kids.
I am only really learning this now in my fourties. I had a knee jerk reaction to what I percieved as selfishness in my mom but I took it too far. I have been surrendering my needs for almost two decades and it was making me bleed. I have four boys and I was married right? What better excuse for not having time to do things for myself – like you know eat properly, excercise, read and write. That was sarchasm… but the sad truth of how I hyper neglected myself in the realm of “married with children” life.
So this week: I bought the unlimted weekly yoga pass, I made time for Knox, I rode my bike under the stars and TODAY…… today I went boating with a friend, had a nap after and then took myself out for supper. I had the second Caesar and I had dessert AND I sat alone and felt quite comfortable in my own skin. Because hell ya.. I am not waiting anymore for somebody to bring me flowers. It felt utterly indulgant.
I went for a walk after and I did miss the man I rarely mention here. Did you notice? There was a man and he ran cold turkey style AND it left me rattled. That was two months ago now but do you see? It has only led to more growth and so while I missed him on the walk I thought again “never settle”… “never sell yourself short”… “never settle for less than heart n soul love”. “Never try to convince a man to stay…. in fact perhaps it is time to only surrender to the man that convinces you to stay.” For now there will be no looking. For now I will give it to myself and love myself hard so I will know what that feels like and so then know when its less than that.
See it? The point of self love? It’s two parts – one is loving yourself and filling your own cup so its full and can run over and spill out to everyone, two is the same loving yourself and filling your own cup but this time it is so you can see the difference between somebody who adds value vs somebody who only invests partway. I am not talking about positive vs negative adding value but rather adding value by being present. I am not looking for perfect but only perfectly engaged in the moments we have together.
Maybe this is the silver lining of being married almost two decades and losing in the love. It springboards you to a new level. You had the “come hell or high water relationship” with the kids and the “happily ever after”. You got shot out the other side wiser and more discerning. In this foreign land of single people you try again at love and get burned. You see this world full of scarred, hurting and hiding people but you learn to drop the mask in a very real way.
The route of freedom.. dropping the masks and even in this you have so much self acceptance and love that you accept that you will often put the mask back on.. you are simply “only human”. Maybe you learn not only to love yourself but you learn to love humanity. Maybe you take a lover in the end but maybe you don’t. Maybe you have good friends instead. Maybe you have a new found pool of reserves to love your children… perhaps even your exhusband. Maybe you are just so full of love in the end that nothing looks the same.
Yeah… growing. Learning to Love yourself. A friend that I adore once said to me “never give up on love.” I have not and I never will but this shifting of its definition is profound. We let go, we live, we love on.
SORRY it is a bit tangenty and chopped up.
~ ALWAYS WITH LOVE
I truly feel that bashing your ex is the most unhealthy and pain inducing thing you can do on your healing journey. It is healthy to talk real and call an ace an ace in a moment but generally pointing fingers and placing blame only hurts you more in the end. It also stops your own healing. It is only you in the end that you can change and it is only you that can grow and choose better.
Men are good. Women are good. We are all doing the best we can. Move forward-looking up.
~Always With Love
When you really let go you finally do not want to mull it over anymore. When it comes up and you are pulled in you do not take the bait…..bit by bit, more and more untill you just DON’T AT ALL…..not again.
It is a rather long walk with lots of peaks and valleys but eventually you decide to move to new terrain. It is hard…it was a lifetime but you just have to let go eventually. A New life awaits you…..you deserve a good life….it is okay to want that for yourself.
I really walked into some weeks of ANGER…..
Do you remember? I was writing about Guilt and then I started to write about Anger because that was going to be the next step BUT I decided I did not want to be in Anger. Well…that is the thing about healing I found……you do not really get to skip the stages and so it came.
I erupted in anger triggered by old patterns with my ex. Patterns that are why we are not together in marriage but patterns that glue us together because of our kids. I wrote about it and was going to share but it was big enough all by itself. Rewriting would have killed me.
I hated being in so much angry energy and I acted ungraciously but I made my point. Not only did I make my point but I also grew in awareness about some of the realities of my marriage that I had denied. Some of the reasons my marriage ended are painful to realize. In a way some of the realizations make me feel foolish and I fear for the person that I can be that was willing to put herself so far on the back burner.
It is too much to share but in short….I carried the marriage….I was the only one really in a relationship and he was a “doer” AND I made the compromises and the little things that mattered to me did not matter enough to him. He was not willing nor interested in growing or changing. It does not matter….I do not share to point fingers BUT this…this is the golden nugget:
The guilt I felt for being the one that chose to end “us”….it is so very absurd. He left “us” long before and I communicated in every way my needs that would have brought me back on board. He chose to let me go and so I forgive myself fully.
Anger and Forgiveness? Guilt first (usually for woman…that masks the anger), then Anger…then forgiveness of both of you? I have written a lot about forgiving him but I am not sure I forgave myself. And in this new bout of Anger I can see it. I can see letting go for real.
See…here I am starting my work in dealing with guilt:
And then here I am feeling quite done with that project:
And here I am going into forgiveness:
But now I think…I hope…my moving through anger is the final tipping point. It is time.
How about you? Are you ready to let go for real?
~ Always With Love
This is how I am feeling. The process of letting go after almost two decades of marriage is a long and windy road. At some point and time you just have to let it be over and done with.
I wish there was a pill for letting go….don’t you? Or would you choose the growth required to get you to this point? hmmmmmm I think I would choose the growth actually.
~ Always With Love
I love what comes down on the page…..it usually surprises me though sometimes it is simply mundane. This morning it was wise. She said some wise stuff that is going to take me to a new level of peace….I think….I have that feeling. It just came down and that’s the whole point of it right? You point the pencil to the paper and all of the thoughts you have been collecting come together and you create a meaning.
It was about my divorce this time and/or my marriage depending on how you look at it. A new clarity of what I need to say and how I need to think for more moving forward. Stay tuned….I will be posting it up.
What wise thing did you say to yourself today?
~ Always With Love