Genuine Gratitude

Genuine gratitude is what I feel in this moment AND trust me when I say “its been a hard 6 months” and it’s been a particularily hard 2 weeks.

In two weeks the van that I was letting my exhusband use because of his own crisis broke down in the side of the road. It is an 800 dollar repair to add to the 1300 steering component repair thats been on hold. Two days after the breakdown somebody smashed my back glass to break into my empty/ broken down van. Two days after that my dog became suddenly sick and we had to put her down.

The past 6 months I have been working two physically demanding jobs. A finish carpenter by day and a commercial cleaner by night. I have been working up to 60 hours per week – packing lunch and supper, starting at 8am and rolling home at 8pm. In between and on weekends I have been running to my kids and trying to keep that connection plus in the new stage of a relationship with an amazing man.  Always good and bad mixed together.

The goal of this all was to get ahead on kids stuff, dentist, enrichment and to stay on top of bills. Instead what happened is a snowball of trouble starting primarily with the ex. I forgive him.. I am not mad but his world collapsed and I had to feed his troubles and cover his bills to hold him up for our boys. They need him and I knew he would carry himself soon enough but I had to carry him through that now.  That is love and while I am not in love with him I will always love him.

On top of all this…. my job as the finish carpenters helper was draining. The boss was the type of person I can no longer tolerate in my life. Petty, arrogant, abusive, ignorant, selfish and self centered he put us in our place everyday. He played a game of making us feel lucky to have a job. He treated us as though we were stupid and I had to fight to remember who I was. 

In dealing with the job I pulled up my big girl panties and presented myself to another company with a bigger capacity and offering. I came to them strong, strange, unusual and they saw me. Not me trying to be what they wanted to see but me in all of my strange brilliance. Long story short… they hired me and I start this week. 

Never lay down and play dead you see… just don’t do it… do not settle… you will find a place to belong as long as you never settle.

With all this ending and new beginning followed by a big, hard, costly and sad 2 weeks, plus an exhausting 6 months I went into this weekend not knowing whether to leap for joy or fall into a ball on the ground and cry. I did both.

I pushed my man away, I pushed my friends away and I took time for me. I wanted to be in gratitude but it was not coming and so I tried to listen to me. One step… what do you feel like doing now? … two step … ok that is pissing you off?… do something else…. oh you are tired?.. then rest. But I still did not feel gratitude and then this morning it came AND the words went down to describe it as follows:

Genuine gratitude is what I feel in this moment. It is something that needs to be cultivated and their is no formula to create thetrue  feeling. It’s space…. taking the space and allowing it to find you. I find it is the only way. In the space my mind sorts through the details and organizes them in a way that satisfies and only then can I truly let go. Nicole Green

Life goes on and on my friends. Sometimes it does not go on. And so it is a gift full of trial and tribulations so big that it can be hard to get out of bed. But please get out of bed and try for a brighter day.

~ Always With Love

Advertisements

Grow Away – It’s Still Not Easy

The ex husband, the father of my four beautiful children, the man I lived and breathed for two decades… he hurts, he hangs on, he bruises me, he demands of me, he pretends that he is okay this way… okay alone and okay serving his kids but he is not. He spills out everywhere… he smiles in all the right places for all of the right people but he is miserable to me… he hurts me… he always did… something about our dynamics… we always hurt each other. He has problems that I still try to fix… right now its financial and its huge. I am working two jobs and finally in control of my life but I am dishing out to him because he plays the cards well. He paints a partially true picture of his burden and the guilt grabs me by the throat. It takes me down. I go down with his ship trying to save him and save my children from watching their father go down. My life is good but I can not break away. My kids feel settled but he says things and talks change that he does not really mean. He stirs the pot. He creates a new crisis… we can never move forward. He holds us back by never moving on. He is a talented man but will not pick up and make his life move forward financially. Is it easier to give up and blame divorce? He is an attractive man but has not been with a woman in the four years since we split. Is it easier to claim misery?

I feel the past trying to pull me back.  The present is pretty great. The future is a beautiful light with so many things I wish for in my life.

Grow away? Thats what we do in relationships… grow right? Sometimes I feel like the triggers between us are just that … the universe putting a magnifying glass on what we have failed to learn. But I am tired of feeling tired, I am tired of my energy going to him. I wish he would grow somewhere else. We had our chance. We had 20 years to treat each other right and to learn each other. We had 20 years to figure out how to be a soft place to fall and it rarely was that. It was hard and harsh and harmful. I felt guilty when I left. But I saved our kids from what was much worse than a split family… I saved them from watching love be a place of hurt.

I am sad today… it is not easy.

~ Always With Love

Everything Came Together

Everything came together, just like they said it would. It took time. More time than I expected and more time than those around me. I watched other people move on and felt scared and ugly stuck in the mud of the past. I watched other people loosen ties to the past but I could not let go no matter how many times I read the words “let go”. 

AND THEN somewhere in pushing forward towards other / random new experiences…. somewhere in that things changed. In my movement in a new direction came new life in all ways including new love.

Move forward and YES take all the time reflecting that you need but when you are straight up sick and tired about how things are FIND your energy. Just do it no matter how impossible it seems.

~ ALWAYS WITH LOVE

Work In Progress

Shifting, Growing, Moving 

Faster Moving Than I Am Used To

Missing The Reflection And Reflecting Time

But Understanding

This Is Where I Collect My Stories, Life, Love, And Experience.

In The Action And Movement Is The Growth I Truly Needed.

Reflection And Sharing Time Will Come

WHY all THE CAps? No IDEA. Just happened and I think letting that go is an alright idea.

Hope you are all well.

~ Always With Love

Doors Open, Life Goes On And Always Back To Love

Life is moving so fast. I am working hard and doors are opening. In it all I am doing well but stumbling and tripping a lot. 

Thankfully some of the moving involves a very wonderful and kind man. I never really believed that would happen for me. I wanted to believe but I was preparing for not and never settling for less than love in between. I was strength and working on self love but scared that this would mean I would be all strong and no softness. It is really awesome to be both. In this way I am very happy.

Things have changed dramatically with the exhusband and kids. Our family has moved forward but that needs to be a separate piece. Three years they say…. to go through the grieving stages of divorce….. yes, I think so and I am glad that I took that time mostly alone. I was not a saint focused on myself, I chased situations, moved in and out of possibilities but I ended up alone in between and that is where I grew. All that pain so worth it.

I am working two jobs now… the main reason for not writing. I have been thinking about my journey to healing and self love AND I have been thinking about all those ups and downs… never settling, walking away, letting things that do not work end where they end. Letting Go Being Love … YES THAT. I have been thinking about self love and how that applies to work and how hard we push ourselves to work. In a way that is why I am writing today… to remember what I love… which is heart felt expression because I want to always be that and I want to always grow and share that growing. I have been unsure what to do with this blog but maybe this is it… let it be about rebirth of so many things but not erasing the past that got me here. 

Anyways… I miss so many of you.

~ Always With Love