Work In Progress

Shifting, Growing, Moving 

Faster Moving Than I Am Used To

Missing The Reflection And Reflecting Time

But Understanding

This Is Where I Collect My Stories, Life, Love, And Experience.

In The Action And Movement Is The Growth I Truly Needed.

Reflection And Sharing Time Will Come

WHY all THE CAps? No IDEA. Just happened and I think letting that go is an alright idea.

Hope you are all well.

~ Always With Love

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She Said What?

I love what comes down on the page…..it usually surprises me though sometimes it is simply mundane.  This morning it was wise.  She said some wise stuff that is going to take me to a new level of peace….I think….I have that feeling.  It just came down and that’s the whole point of it right?  You point the pencil to the paper and all of the thoughts you have been collecting come together and you create a meaning.

It was about my divorce this time and/or my marriage depending on how you look at it.  A new clarity of what I need to say and how I need to think for more moving forward.  Stay tuned….I will be posting it up.

What wise thing did you say to yourself today?

~ Always With Love

Burn

“If you are burning, BURN. If you can stand it the shame will burn away and leave you shining radiant and righteously shameless.” Elizabeth Cunningham

I turned to a page in my morning writing today and found this.  I think it speaks volumes of the process of becoming more of your OWN self unimpeded by the masks you wear and the lumps life has given you.

It also speaks to me of the process of letting go after an ending and moving on with a brave new face ready and willing to Love Again and take that chance.

I think you gotta be willing to burn a little in life to live fully and without shame.

~ Always With Love

Bad Girl – Happy Lady

I have not been writing on here.  I am processing a lot.  Happy lady changes but bad girl.

Happy lady because I am enjoying the future unfolding in ways I had hoped.  It is lovely to enjoy time with a man.  I won’t call it new love but it might be that…..I have not surrendered to it though.  I am not sure if that is maturity or fear but it is what it is …right?

Bad girl because I promised myself I would never lose myself in another and writing is me…..so I can not stop my writing BUT I have been busy in all ways.  And I have been writing in my journal.  And I have been processing what direction to take my blog.  Am I fibbing to myself?  I don’t think so.

Ummmm thats all though….profound one eh?

~Always With Love

Will I Allow Guilt To Sneak In?

Guilt reared its ugly head but it was fleeting.  I know it will try to find its way in and I have to learn new strategies to blow it away.  It does not belong here.  I did nothing wrong.  I simply made the final decision to end a marriage that was not good for either of us.  And not a two year marriage….but a 2 decade marriage.  And not a marriage filled with cheating, lies and abuse…. but a marriage that I gave my all to.  And most importantly a marriage that officially ended THREE years ago!

I look back at who I was and I would like to have been more…but I was not.  I was operating on the level of who I was and it was not enough in that situation and with that man.  I look back at who he was – he wanted to be more too but more of something that simply did not serve our relationship.  I know he too has learned.  I know he is a better man.

We have been getting along very well as coparents and it’s a mind puzzle to keep the understanding that we get along because we are not trying to be what we are not.  We are getting along yes because we have grown but more than anything because we are better off this way.  I do know this but I get weird about making sure he knows it AND then I awkwardly bring it up and say things like “all this getting along…you know it doesn’t mean we will ever be together?” He laughs a big laugh and says “Nooooooo of course not. We could never be together.  I do not want that.”  I have to trust he means it and I mostly do but he has always had the ability to plaster on a smile ~ and it’s always the same conclusion for me I just want him to be okay.  He is the father of my children and I will always want him to be okay.

Guilt snuck in why?  Guilt snuck in because I connected with a man that feels like home.  And while I do not want to get too far ahead of myself I am pretty sure this man and I will be on a journey for a while.  I always knew I would go first….on to my own new relationship but it would have felt easier had he gone first.  I worry a bit about his reaction and how it will affect our current positivity.  I wonder when it would be best to tell him and what I will say. I know now is too soon but I have this urge to get it off my chest.  Somehow in it all I must remember that as much as I care I do not owe him anything AND I can not allow fuss and worry about him to get in the way of my creating a sweet new life for me. And I wonder if any of you will understand this but I also have to make sure I do not put a wedge between us as subconcious strategy to make sure he is not feeling too close to me and hence will be hurt more when it comes out in the wash.

Your thoughts are appreciated here……truly.  It felt good to write about this today.

~ Always With Love

Full and Hungry

I am feeling FULL in a good way.  In a way that is not dependant on circumstances and this is powerful.  Of course I am feeling all of the usual human stuff too but something feels good and something has shifted within me.  It is subtle and it’s not perfection…I have learned this finally…that the old patterns of thinking and being will emerge.  Maybe that is part of getting older ~ we can observe ourselves and those old patterns do not swallow us whole.

I feel hungry too.  Hungry for more life and more unfolding because while I can be content with what I have life is always fascinating with its twists and turns. I do enjoy living and breathing….growing and laughing.

How about a song or two?  These came up recently and they are really fun:

 

 

Life is Funny……enjoy it!

~ Always With Love

Is It Harder In The Winter?

Perhaps it is harder in the Winter to be single/alone/without a lover or tribe of friends?  Yes I am stating the obvious but REMEMBER ~ nature would have us tucked in, warm, and resting.  Nature would have us preparing to rejuvenated for the new Spring of life that is coming.

And Maybe even worse this cycle gets interrupted when there is big loss and mourning. Maybe we move into Winter mentally during the Spring because that is when the big loss happened.  Then when Winter comes it feels like an extra long winter. So we find ourselves alone and reflecting for far too long and we crave that new season but it is not time.  And we are resting and hibernating Alone….maybe not lonely but it can be a long Winter alone.  Life does feel complicated when your dreams and visions get swept out from under your feet.  Even if you are the one that swept your life out from under your own feet.  It gets complicated and exhausting.

But maybe…just maybe it is so much harder in the Winter?  And maybe this hard winter will be the hardest Winter of your life.  And perhaps this new Spring coming will be the beginning of a life you never would have dreamed.  Have HOPE my friends.  I do…

~ always with love