Genuine Gratitude

Genuine gratitude is what I feel in this moment AND trust me when I say “its been a hard 6 months” and it’s been a particularily hard 2 weeks.

In two weeks the van that I was letting my exhusband use because of his own crisis broke down in the side of the road. It is an 800 dollar repair to add to the 1300 steering component repair thats been on hold. Two days after the breakdown somebody smashed my back glass to break into my empty/ broken down van. Two days after that my dog became suddenly sick and we had to put her down.

The past 6 months I have been working two physically demanding jobs. A finish carpenter by day and a commercial cleaner by night. I have been working up to 60 hours per week – packing lunch and supper, starting at 8am and rolling home at 8pm. In between and on weekends I have been running to my kids and trying to keep that connection plus in the new stage of a relationship with an amazing man.  Always good and bad mixed together.

The goal of this all was to get ahead on kids stuff, dentist, enrichment and to stay on top of bills. Instead what happened is a snowball of trouble starting primarily with the ex. I forgive him.. I am not mad but his world collapsed and I had to feed his troubles and cover his bills to hold him up for our boys. They need him and I knew he would carry himself soon enough but I had to carry him through that now.  That is love and while I am not in love with him I will always love him.

On top of all this…. my job as the finish carpenters helper was draining. The boss was the type of person I can no longer tolerate in my life. Petty, arrogant, abusive, ignorant, selfish and self centered he put us in our place everyday. He played a game of making us feel lucky to have a job. He treated us as though we were stupid and I had to fight to remember who I was. 

In dealing with the job I pulled up my big girl panties and presented myself to another company with a bigger capacity and offering. I came to them strong, strange, unusual and they saw me. Not me trying to be what they wanted to see but me in all of my strange brilliance. Long story short… they hired me and I start this week. 

Never lay down and play dead you see… just don’t do it… do not settle… you will find a place to belong as long as you never settle.

With all this ending and new beginning followed by a big, hard, costly and sad 2 weeks, plus an exhausting 6 months I went into this weekend not knowing whether to leap for joy or fall into a ball on the ground and cry. I did both.

I pushed my man away, I pushed my friends away and I took time for me. I wanted to be in gratitude but it was not coming and so I tried to listen to me. One step… what do you feel like doing now? … two step … ok that is pissing you off?… do something else…. oh you are tired?.. then rest. But I still did not feel gratitude and then this morning it came AND the words went down to describe it as follows:

Genuine gratitude is what I feel in this moment. It is something that needs to be cultivated and their is no formula to create thetrue  feeling. It’s space…. taking the space and allowing it to find you. I find it is the only way. In the space my mind sorts through the details and organizes them in a way that satisfies and only then can I truly let go. Nicole Green

Life goes on and on my friends. Sometimes it does not go on. And so it is a gift full of trial and tribulations so big that it can be hard to get out of bed. But please get out of bed and try for a brighter day.

~ Always With Love

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Love Notes To Me

I am not entirely sure when I started writing love letters to me but it has been woven into my life for a very long time.  I am not sure who taught me the importance of being kind to myself, championing myself, cheering myself on but I suppose it was several people. And so this morning and last night when I decided to sit down and read “me” for inspiration I also came up with the idea to share these with you.  I hope they inspire you to write love letters to yourself.  I hope they inspire you to champion yourself.  If you are not sure where to start I have one thing small to offer that was offered to me once (perhaps the start of me consciously writing this way over twenty years ago).  Write down one thing you know to be true everyday.  Write a wisdom that reflects back to you that you are indeed wise.  Fall in love with yourself.

January 21, 2016 ~ Today

Love, it was so sad to leave your marriage but look how you have grown.  That was your heart longing and screaming. It was self-love that pulled you away.  You named it curiosity, temptation, mid-life crisis ~ you worried you were being selfish. You thought it was about other love and other men/possibilities but it was always about becoming more of you and you knew this too BUT you tried to name it.  You can’t blame you and analyze ~ or you can, and you do, and you DID but that is/was a waste of energy because wanting to go the way you wanted to go, in that crazy and insane pulling at your heart way that you always referred to as “your heart screaming at you to leave” ~ that was only about your self-love and your spirit and your life learning journey.  Look at who you are becoming?

 

I hope you can see through the forest at what you are becoming.  I hope that whatever journey you are on you KNOW that it is all so that you can shine on through and be the best gift that you are in this life.

~ Always With Love

The Incident – Chapter of Friendship

This is how it would be if I could have my way.  Two people who lived a long life and raised beautiful boys cooperating and coming together as needed in a new way.  The new chapter of Friendship.

I referred to an incident in my last post……….I am hoping that life moving forward can be how it was in the moments and days of cooperation that followed.  I glimpsed it and in glimpsing a new reality I will have hope for peace.

I first got a text “Do you have a dentist ~ I need a dentist?”  and so, then I called him which is my new thing because texting is often longer and creates confusion.  He explains he has a tooth ache and I chose to be supportive and offered to set up an appointment.  I know him well…he needed a dentist month ago, if he is calling me about this now and so an appointment was made for the following day and we all carried on.

That night while I was on my night shift working I got another text “Where is the first aid kit?” and again I pulled over and called him.  I was met with the voice of a man in extreme pain and panic.  I was met with the man I was with for 20 years who found it impossibly difficult to communicate directly especially in a time of need. I have never been patient about this characteristic of his but I knew this was not a time for life lessons and so I quickly offered to come up to the house with pain relief after a quick stop to the pharmacy. His quick acceptance was indicative of his extreme situation and so I moved quickly.  I got some advice and some better pain relief medication and arrived to find him writhing in pain.  The man I know that would throw up in the morning from a stomach flu and still go to the construction site and put in a full day was on his side, sweating and I am pretty sure some tears were mixed in with the perspiration on his face.  It was sad and scary and I was so deeply sorry for him.  I gave him what I had…the kids scrambled around helping and he calmed enough to get through another night.  I also rubbed his hands and his arms and it was a strange feeling showing that nurture.  I had not touched him in years…certainly not in such a nurturing way and it felt……….real, kind, natural and loving YET peculiar and powerful and not entirely safe.  I am not sure if I can explain it but it was powerful.  Touch is such a powerful thing. I couldn’t stay long….I had work left to do but I tucked him in and drove away and felt really good about life.  This is how it would be if I could have my way.  Two people who lived a long life and raised beautiful boys cooperating and coming together as needed in a new way.  The new chapter of Friendship.

I am editing…this was written a while ago.  I just deleted a couple of paragraphs about the nice next day of soup and support but then the backlash and old patterns that followed and triggered my recent round of “anger. woe” posts. BECAUSE we seem to have landed at or at least are finding our way to the new chapter of Friendship and I think I will focus on that.

Reality is important in healing….expressing “what is”…. is also important in healing AND so is writing a new story and playing out the rest of your life/ moving forward.

Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.

always with LOVE

 

 

Forgiveness

The book I’m reading is intense because it was written for people who are dealing with autrocitities that make my situation seem futile. But that’s not very loving is it? My pain and loss is my pain and loss and it is valid … I know this to be true.

As intense as it is I am happy to report that telling your story over and over again is a huge part of finding peace. I gues this is why we write.

hen pecking on my phone is tough… I will be back and writing longer when my computer returns. In the meantime just this ….. Telling our stories is healing.

Mixed Feelings & Forgiveness

In a timely way my computer crashed.  Just as I was wrapping up a piece called “fuck it” depicting how and why I was done writing about guilt she just quit on me. I was also pondering the “shoulds” and “should nots” of writing publicly some of the details of my life.  I would never want to disrespect anybody and what if my kids one day read my blog?  I wonder what you think…..this question to my fellow bloggers.  On one hand authentic writing is beautifully supportive and helps people feel less isolated in their reality.  On the other hand it can be too much exposure. I would love to hear from you on this subject.

On a brighter note I started reading a book on Forgiveness.  I think it is the next stage that I am ready for.  Wouldn’t it be so much more beautiful to write about forgiveness….than on guilt. I feel very done carrying my past. I really feel more than ever before ready to LET Go.

 

The Letter – Peace, Love & Apologies

At the end of August – roughly a year and a half after I moved out and roughly two years after we officially decided to Divorce my boys and their dad went on a trip.  It was the first time in 15 years that I was away from my kids for more than 2-3 days.  It was very peaceful and long overdue.  It has not all been a cakewalk since this letter but it has been a building on a new, more positive turn plus a lot of letting go.  I feel proud to be at this place in life where I wish only happiness on the people I love no matter how the circumstance ran its course.

 

To My Beautiful Boys & Their Father – WELCOME HOME

Hi boys you are all home and I hope it feels good to be back.  It is always bittersweet when a holiday ends – home is nice but not nearly as exciting and so I hope you settle in and start dreaming up your next adventures.  The cats were on Sam’s bed today while I was cleaning and they were purring and snuggling up all full of love.  They are going to be happy to see you boys and Nelly too.  Nelly has sort of enjoyed her time with me but I am sure she is starting to wonder what happened to her best fellas.

I have had a lot of time to be productive and get many life chores out of my way.  I was also able to get some sleep in time and lots of time to write and get some perspective about life.  I missed you guys so much but I am grateful for the time especially knowing that you guys were on an awesome adventure with your dad.

I wanted to say “thank you boys” ~ you have been ever patient, gracious and amazing while it’s been a pretty tough couple of years for me.  Your forever love has not gone unnoticed.  I also want to apologize for all of the ways I have been crazy, exhausted and often very angry.  You have carried more than you realize and I hope I can make it up to you.  I especially want to apologize for all of the times I got into crazy talk with your father.  I am going to keep working on keeping myself in check and I hope you know that anything I have ever said in anger about him is my own anger and issues to deal with.  That’s how life goes….we can’t blame other people for our actions…….I would like to but I can only take responsibility for myself.  I want you to know that Barnabas is a good man and a good father.  You will take some of my parts and some of his parts…both good and bad…. you will add in a larger part the person you are AND you will be another awesome person that got to live in this lifetime.  Keep up the good work boys.  I will do the same.

Barn thank you for taking the boys on this trip.  It was nice knowing they were out and about seeing a new part of the world with somebody that loves them as much as me.  To you I am sorry for all of my anger over the years.  I understand more every day the part I played in our marriage not working out.  Every day I am letting go a little bit more of my grief, anger, guilt and resentment.  I wish for you joy and possibilities in your future ….. also a little more peace of mind.  Thank you for bringing me these beautiful boys and thank you for letting me be at home raising them.  I would never trade riches nor glory for the time I had with them.

I am doing one last thing for myself tomorrow…..it’s the thing I promised myself that I never did get a chance to do and if I don’t I might feel kind of pissed at myself.  I am going to a yoga class in the morning but we will be up before lunch to hear all your stories and get some meat simmering on the stove.

I love you all forever and forever.  Mama/ Nicole

 

We do the best we can with what we know at the time.  We hope we get a chance to try again.

 

And I Shall Love Me

Because who better to love me than the one who knows all of my light, darkness, beauty and beast? Once upon a time I beleived it selfish to love me….not entirely selfish but a little bit.But then in the moments of treasuring myself I saw how my heart opened to everybody.I saw how clearly a day of loving me….not waiting for another to love me….not giving all of my love away…..but loving me was an incredible gift to the world and beyond.

 

 

And I Shall Love Me – Forever and Ever Amen.