Metamorphisis = Liquid

Did you know that in metamorphisis  the caterpillar does not just sproing wings out of its back while in the cocoon And in some cases it becomes liquid? 

The idea of becoming a liquid or goo and essentially disolving made me feel really powerful about the state I have been in over the past two and three months. Perhaps you can feel powerful in your liquid state too.

Remember that when you are falling apart and it feels bigger than any other time you’ve fallen apart that it is possible you are dissolving the old you so that you can become the most beautiful and free you. Maybe at long last you are dissolving the masks, the walls and feeling vulnerable. Maybe this time in your nakedness you will decide once and for all to be yourself and stand proud. Perhaps you are becoming the one that you were before you “forgot you were alive.” I hope so – it is so for me… I know it in my bones. 

Remember who you were and shine.

~Always With Love

In Action

In action is where I need to be.  It is strange for me because I have been in thinking for a very long time.  But just so you know…this is where I am.  I am building new muscles….it has not been easy the past very short little while but before that…things were really moving in a beautiful direction.  We will See….Time will Tell.

~ Always With Love

Over & Done With

This is how I am feeling.  The process of letting go after almost two decades of marriage is a long and windy road.  At some point and time you just have to let it be over and done with.

 

 

I wish there was a pill for letting go….don’t you?  Or would you choose the growth required to get you to this point?  hmmmmmm I think I would choose the growth actually.

~ Always With Love

Guilt Project – Days Two – Four

Facing REAL THINGS brings clarity.  It is much harder to let go of what we carry when we do not truly understand.  And so we look…sometimes we must look. In a world that tells us to hurry up some of us rebel and dig our heals in and SCREAM “I will stay right here!”  In a world that tells us to hurry up some of us Fly too high when we are not quite ready and then fall so hard….over and over.  Find a middle..always try to Find a MIDDLE or at very least come back to a middle.

And now on to the guilt project Days Two through Four:

Day Two – Always Loved Ulli

Hanging out with my kids in their dads house with my ex mother in law was interesting. Since our separation I have slowly been detaching from her and it had been a long time since we had talked.  The thing is her and I have this very close friendship but it’s always this dance.  I tell her everything, she surprises me with her openness, I freak out a little on the inside after.

She is the only other person who intimately experienced my marriage.  She listened to stories, gave advice and watched how her son and I would unravel, build tension and then blow up. I don’t believe she felt the answer was separation it’s not what she wanted to see but undeniably she always knew we were a volatile combination.  She loved us both and seemed to understand what each of us needed to do yet she also seemed to understand how neither of us could change to fit.

So with the above in mind I’m not sure why I figured she’d have taken sides.  I’m not sure why I figured she had since painted me as the selfish, nasty woman who left but that’s what I did and so I was guarded.  As I write I know exactly why I figured it.  Did you catch it? There it is again…. guilt. So that’s how I acted.  I sat in my living room for most of a day behaving like a guilty dog that had something to hide. We watched each other, we chatted, we asked each other questions about other people and the things we weren’t talking about built up.  That’s the thing about people who know you…. they can tell what you’re not saying.

That’s how it went until I caved.  See… that’s our dance…. I always cave.  I’m going to leave it at that.  We started dancing and I started releasing.  One thing she said and I’m sharing it mostly because it’s funny “you two are like salt and pepper… mixes good for a while but can’t last”.

I think she may have meant oil and water.

Sounds like I was writing to a reader eh?  That was my intention starting out…to write to you but I think it shifts to writing more raw.

Day Three – A Big Cry

I’m not a non crier… I do cry. I’ve shed a lot of tears over the past couple years but something about being witnessed in tears is powerful.  Or is it more than that? Witnessed in tears while you are specifically speaking about the situation from your purest heart.

I sat with dearest Ulli and we kept talking. That’s how it always was with her and I… once the floodgates open we will exhaust ourselves and talk until it’s all out.  She said to me that she had been sitting with her son talking and offered him something new to consider.  She offered “in a way Nicole gets the short end of the stick…. she goes home alone and for you it is like this” and she opens her arms to the activity and the boys swirling around her.  And so I say “yes oh yes” and I pull out my notes and the blog posts I’ve been writing.  I read to her out loud the first one but when I got to the second one about my quiet mornings I struggled through with intense tears and almost an inability  to read my own words.

I had a big cry. I quickly did what I always do. I explained how I am okay and how I’m not feeling sorry for myself and how I know I have a great thing in many ways and how I wouldn’t change a thing but YES it’s hard.  Maybe it’s not even that it’s hard… maybe it’s that guilt AGain.  Maybe it’s only hard that I think nobody gets it.  Or worse …I don’t get it.  In my heart of hearts I have not let myself have peace.  So she blessed me by saying “have peace. I hear you.”

Coming from this odd person and that odd person is meaningless. Coming from the mother of my ex husband.   Well…..

This is the one that brought me to my tears but apparently I got off the track of guilt:

Day Four – Morning With Mine Babies

This is the best, the mornings in my home with my babies.  My oldest are teenagers and they are sleeping anyways but the feeling is luxurious. Walking up slowly, drinking coffee-making plans for the day from my own home. Doing my own dishes, my own little chores and just having them with me.

This situation, the way we split out custody is so stark a contrast for me. I was that 24/7 mom. I never went on girls nights (maybe 5 in 15 years), I never actually went anywhere during the early years and in the three years leading up to all these changes I was solo parenting 50% of the time.  50% wasn’t your classic 2 weeks alone / 1 week the husband is home but rather it was 3 weeks to a month at a time and then papa would pop in for a weekend or more.  It was intense, lonely, difficult and often desperate feeling.  The kids in school might have made it easier but that wasn’t our path and so it was 24/7 vs this now…. Such a stark contrast.

But today they are mine in my home.

This is a lovely surprise – the experience of hearing myself from then and seeing where I am at now.  If you are struggling with a divorce, relationship end, or any major loss it takes time to heal and facing things creates better results.

 

Day One of this project is here in case you missed it is here:  https://booksnblogsblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/26/guilt-project-day-one/

To understand what and why this project check the link here:  https://booksnblogsblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/14/healing-your-heart-the-guilt-project/

In short – I wrote about my guilty feelings everyday for 30 days.  I have decided that revisiting it everyday for another 30 days is where I draw the line and so I will chunk it where it is suitable to chunk it. The writing I expect will be raw and ugly as I don’t intend to edit much of the original content.  But sometimes life is ugly.  Sometimes we are ugly.  Take HEED

 

This Is Who I Carry In My Pocket

This is who I carry in my pocket.  Seriously I do.  She goes with me everywhere and she is my smiling Buddha.  Yes it is the inner child thing but I have simplified it.  She is the light, love and ease that I am.  She is who I was before the world taught me who to be and how to be.  I know that if I can find my way back to her I will not only be okay I will be better than okay and I will be amazing.

I wrote about her over a year ago and then she was just somebody I glimpsed now and then but I kid you not I bring her into my thoughts almost everyday.  I can feel her smile and I can feel her love and I know that she knows everything that she needs to know. I see her almost everyday.  I dug this up:

https://booksnblogsblog.wordpress.com/2015/03/05/little-she-whispered/

Isn’t she adorable?

Simplify – ButterflyFlutterBEEMoth

I do this life in Waves. Always have. Waves of emotion and waves of being wise. I do grow wiser… it’s certainly true but then life is before me again with a new challenge. I have to say as a “thinker”… I’ve always been one their is a huge letting go that happens as I move through my fourties. It’s not the end… it’s the journey. For some this might translate to as it’s not the boyfriend, house, car but for me a thinker it’s different. The end for me means clarity and wisdom. There is no end to that either sooooo fuck it. Okay now… well at least some of the time. Yee seekers ….will always seek just make sure you’re laughing and dancing in between.

Darn – I wrote something to go with this but obviously blogging from my phone is not going to work.

Something about freedom from trying to figure it all out?  Something about being a thinker/seeker and striving to attain an end point but then getting to a life stage where the saying “it’s the journey” truly resonates?  Yes.  That’s Right.

In my twenties I thought I was such a wise one that had triumphed a lot and was over the hardest years of my life.  ha ha ha ha

In my thirties I was a new mom.  Well holy crap……I was screwed…..I knew nothing really. Then entered baby two, then entered twins and I was a mother of 4 children under 5 and quite completely lost.  Not lost in a bad way but children challenge and humble us.  Thats how it is supposed to be.  Thats us GROWING up some more.  This…will happen to our children too.

As I neared 40 and made huge adult decisions about my life moving forward I was quite sure I was on my way to the deepest of knowings and huge life awareness.  I was convinced of those metaphors – “jump into the net”, “walk through the fires”, “becoming a beautiful butterfly”.  So I jumped, burned, became a butterfly?  Hmmmmm…..maybe.  How about I became a Flutter BEE?  I like that better.  Or perhaps one of those really cool Moths?  Ok so I became a ButterflyFlutterBEEMoth.  MammothMoth.  Fluttering.  Like a Butterfly.  But buzzing like a BEE.  Ok thats enough.

I am 43 now and what I have really found is a letting go.  A letting go of knowing wise things.  I still know nothing grande and nothing final and I know the journey will continue in its waves of knowing and not knowing.

Hence 2) What The Fuck Is This.

Maybe you know the answer.

The Letter – Peace, Love & Apologies

At the end of August – roughly a year and a half after I moved out and roughly two years after we officially decided to Divorce my boys and their dad went on a trip.  It was the first time in 15 years that I was away from my kids for more than 2-3 days.  It was very peaceful and long overdue.  It has not all been a cakewalk since this letter but it has been a building on a new, more positive turn plus a lot of letting go.  I feel proud to be at this place in life where I wish only happiness on the people I love no matter how the circumstance ran its course.

 

To My Beautiful Boys & Their Father – WELCOME HOME

Hi boys you are all home and I hope it feels good to be back.  It is always bittersweet when a holiday ends – home is nice but not nearly as exciting and so I hope you settle in and start dreaming up your next adventures.  The cats were on Sam’s bed today while I was cleaning and they were purring and snuggling up all full of love.  They are going to be happy to see you boys and Nelly too.  Nelly has sort of enjoyed her time with me but I am sure she is starting to wonder what happened to her best fellas.

I have had a lot of time to be productive and get many life chores out of my way.  I was also able to get some sleep in time and lots of time to write and get some perspective about life.  I missed you guys so much but I am grateful for the time especially knowing that you guys were on an awesome adventure with your dad.

I wanted to say “thank you boys” ~ you have been ever patient, gracious and amazing while it’s been a pretty tough couple of years for me.  Your forever love has not gone unnoticed.  I also want to apologize for all of the ways I have been crazy, exhausted and often very angry.  You have carried more than you realize and I hope I can make it up to you.  I especially want to apologize for all of the times I got into crazy talk with your father.  I am going to keep working on keeping myself in check and I hope you know that anything I have ever said in anger about him is my own anger and issues to deal with.  That’s how life goes….we can’t blame other people for our actions…….I would like to but I can only take responsibility for myself.  I want you to know that Barnabas is a good man and a good father.  You will take some of my parts and some of his parts…both good and bad…. you will add in a larger part the person you are AND you will be another awesome person that got to live in this lifetime.  Keep up the good work boys.  I will do the same.

Barn thank you for taking the boys on this trip.  It was nice knowing they were out and about seeing a new part of the world with somebody that loves them as much as me.  To you I am sorry for all of my anger over the years.  I understand more every day the part I played in our marriage not working out.  Every day I am letting go a little bit more of my grief, anger, guilt and resentment.  I wish for you joy and possibilities in your future ….. also a little more peace of mind.  Thank you for bringing me these beautiful boys and thank you for letting me be at home raising them.  I would never trade riches nor glory for the time I had with them.

I am doing one last thing for myself tomorrow…..it’s the thing I promised myself that I never did get a chance to do and if I don’t I might feel kind of pissed at myself.  I am going to a yoga class in the morning but we will be up before lunch to hear all your stories and get some meat simmering on the stove.

I love you all forever and forever.  Mama/ Nicole

 

We do the best we can with what we know at the time.  We hope we get a chance to try again.