Everything Came Together

Everything came together, just like they said it would. It took time. More time than I expected and more time than those around me. I watched other people move on and felt scared and ugly stuck in the mud of the past. I watched other people loosen ties to the past but I could not let go no matter how many times I read the words “let go”. 

AND THEN somewhere in pushing forward towards other / random new experiences…. somewhere in that things changed. In my movement in a new direction came new life in all ways including new love.

Move forward and YES take all the time reflecting that you need but when you are straight up sick and tired about how things are FIND your energy. Just do it no matter how impossible it seems.



Doors Open, Life Goes On And Always Back To Love

Life is moving so fast. I am working hard and doors are opening. In it all I am doing well but stumbling and tripping a lot. 

Thankfully some of the moving involves a very wonderful and kind man. I never really believed that would happen for me. I wanted to believe but I was preparing for not and never settling for less than love in between. I was strength and working on self love but scared that this would mean I would be all strong and no softness. It is really awesome to be both. In this way I am very happy.

Things have changed dramatically with the exhusband and kids. Our family has moved forward but that needs to be a separate piece. Three years they say…. to go through the grieving stages of divorce….. yes, I think so and I am glad that I took that time mostly alone. I was not a saint focused on myself, I chased situations, moved in and out of possibilities but I ended up alone in between and that is where I grew. All that pain so worth it.

I am working two jobs now… the main reason for not writing. I have been thinking about my journey to healing and self love AND I have been thinking about all those ups and downs… never settling, walking away, letting things that do not work end where they end. Letting Go Being Love … YES THAT. I have been thinking about self love and how that applies to work and how hard we push ourselves to work. In a way that is why I am writing today… to remember what I love… which is heart felt expression because I want to always be that and I want to always grow and share that growing. I have been unsure what to do with this blog but maybe this is it… let it be about rebirth of so many things but not erasing the past that got me here. 

Anyways… I miss so many of you.

~ Always With Love

What Would Somebody That Loves Themselves Do?

I read this question recently “what would somebody who loves themselves do?”

I have been practicing loving myself and thinking about this question all week since my ex husband has been around which has given me some freetime from my kids. 

I am only really learning this now in my fourties. I had a knee jerk reaction to what I percieved as selfishness in my mom but I took it too far. I have been surrendering my needs for almost two decades and it was making me bleed. I have four boys and I was married right? What better excuse for not having time to do things for myself – like you know eat properly, excercise, read and write. That was sarchasm… but the sad truth of how I hyper neglected myself in the realm of “married with children” life.

So this week: I bought the unlimted weekly yoga pass, I made time for Knox, I rode my bike under the stars and TODAY…… today I went boating with a friend, had a nap after and then took myself out for supper. I had the second Caesar and I had dessert AND I sat alone and felt quite comfortable in my own skin. Because hell ya.. I am not waiting anymore for somebody to bring me flowers. It felt utterly indulgant.

I went for a walk after and I did miss the man I rarely mention here. Did you notice? There was a man and he ran cold turkey style AND it left me rattled.  That was two months ago now but do you see? It has only led to more growth and so while I missed him on the walk I thought again “never settle”… “never sell yourself short”… “never settle for less than heart n soul love”. “Never try to convince a man to stay…. in fact perhaps it is time to only surrender to the man that convinces you to stay.” For now there will be no looking. For now I will give it to myself and love myself hard so I will know what that feels like and so then know when its less than that.

See it? The point of self love? It’s two parts – one is loving yourself and filling your own cup so its full and can run over and spill out to everyone, two is the same loving yourself and filling your own cup but this time it is so you can see the difference between somebody who adds value vs somebody who only invests partway. I am not talking about positive vs negative adding value but rather adding value by being present. I am not looking for perfect but only perfectly engaged in the moments we have together.

Maybe this is the silver lining of being married almost two decades and losing in the love. It springboards you to a new level. You had the “come hell or high water relationship” with the kids and the “happily ever after”. You got shot out the other side wiser and more discerning. In this foreign land of single people you try again at love and get burned. You see this world full of scarred, hurting and hiding people but you learn to drop the mask in a very real way. 

The route of freedom.. dropping the masks and even in this you have so much self acceptance and love that you accept that you will often put the mask back on.. you are simply “only human”. Maybe you learn not only to love yourself but you learn to love humanity. Maybe you take a lover in the end but maybe you don’t. Maybe you have good friends instead. Maybe you have a new found pool of reserves to love your children… perhaps even your exhusband. Maybe you are just so full of love in the end that nothing looks the same. 

Yeah… growing. Learning to Love yourself. A friend that I adore once said to me “never give up on love.” I have not and I never will but this shifting of its definition is profound. We let go, we live, we love on.

SORRY it is a bit tangenty and chopped up.



I was never able to actually leave the way this is written but I have carried this thinking in moments and I do suppose this attitude serves a purpose in certain context.

Leaving is never easy but sometimes its the very best thing you can do. This is for Paul…..it is written about a woman leaving a man but could easily go the other way.

Do what you gotta do.

~ Always With Love

Power and Questioning

Questioning first even though its second in the title. It is important because everybody who reads me should know that I question everything I think.  Especially lately as I allow growing.

Shall I question power and my theory tonight about power? Perhaps. But only later. For now I will play with believing my own theory.

The story I told myself tonight as I road my bike around this tourist town is that I feel powerful and that I am afraid of this power. The power that I am comfortable to walk alone. The power that I am to be whole and content just me, on my bike, in the present moment taking it all in. I am afraid of this power because I have never known how to stay in it when I am with a man. Tonight I questioned why. Am I afraid its too masculine? Am I afraid there will never be a man that can handle me in it? Am I afraid that if I show my strength nobody will take care of me? Do I really have a choice? Can I actually afford one more day of playing myself down? Is this even a proper paragraph and prose? What did I say about a theory and not questioning it? Hmmmm sounds more like questioning than a theory.

So I have a question to the men. How do you feel about powerful and potent women? And I have a question for the women. Are you a powerful and serious woman? How do you be in that yet still be soft?

I will be what I be… no turning back now but ever curious as I explore this aspect of me.

Tonight photos sans tourists.

~ Always With Love

Top Of Knox

I have been active in all ways. Pushing and pushing after years of escaping in between hurting. I am somewhere in the middle and feeling enormously wise, loved and radiant. Its coming from inside and that is something you can never lose.

Top of Knox is rather straight up. Its 40 minutes climbing and mostly steep. It can be done in 30 but I always seem to stop and snap pictures because I usually do it at sunset and its pretty gorgeous. So I am up in 40 and down in 20 but most importantly wiser and more energetic after. Everytime I am faced with me and everytime I am a little different AND often the same but I am able to see me.

 I see me – I see my patterns, my needs and wants, my strength and knowing… I can not escape me on these hard walks up and quiet easy walks down.

Be grateful for life and the lessons. Even the shitty ones that make no sense and feel like just another disappointment. It is but its not…. it always is a lesson even if that lesson is pointing you back to you and filling your own well that maybe you were hoping somebody else would finally contribute into. 

Its YOU baby… all you… all your love shining out of you and all that love reflecting back. TRUST. LIFE. KEEP CLIMBING.

~ Always With Love