I do this life in Waves. Always have. Waves of emotion and waves of being wise. I do grow wiser… it’s certainly true but then life is before me again with a new challenge. I have to say as a “thinker”… I’ve always been one their is a huge letting go that happens as I move through my fourties. It’s not the end… it’s the journey. For some this might translate to as it’s not the boyfriend, house, car but for me a thinker it’s different. The end for me means clarity and wisdom. There is no end to that either sooooo fuck it. Okay now… well at least some of the time. Yee seekers ….will always seek just make sure you’re laughing and dancing in between.
Darn – I wrote something to go with this but obviously blogging from my phone is not going to work.
Something about freedom from trying to figure it all out? Something about being a thinker/seeker and striving to attain an end point but then getting to a life stage where the saying “it’s the journey” truly resonates? Yes. That’s Right.
In my twenties I thought I was such a wise one that had triumphed a lot and was over the hardest years of my life. ha ha ha ha
In my thirties I was a new mom. Well holy crap……I was screwed…..I knew nothing really. Then entered baby two, then entered twins and I was a mother of 4 children under 5 and quite completely lost. Not lost in a bad way but children challenge and humble us. Thats how it is supposed to be. Thats us GROWING up some more. This…will happen to our children too.
As I neared 40 and made huge adult decisions about my life moving forward I was quite sure I was on my way to the deepest of knowings and huge life awareness. I was convinced of those metaphors – “jump into the net”, “walk through the fires”, “becoming a beautiful butterfly”. So I jumped, burned, became a butterfly? Hmmmmm…..maybe. How about I became a Flutter BEE? I like that better. Or perhaps one of those really cool Moths? Ok so I became a ButterflyFlutterBEEMoth. MammothMoth. Fluttering. Like a Butterfly. But buzzing like a BEE. Ok thats enough.
I am 43 now and what I have really found is a letting go. A letting go of knowing wise things. I still know nothing grande and nothing final and I know the journey will continue in its waves of knowing and not knowing.
Hence 2) What The Fuck Is This.
Maybe you know the answer.
At the end of August – roughly a year and a half after I moved out and roughly two years after we officially decided to Divorce my boys and their dad went on a trip. It was the first time in 15 years that I was away from my kids for more than 2-3 days. It was very peaceful and long overdue. It has not all been a cakewalk since this letter but it has been a building on a new, more positive turn plus a lot of letting go. I feel proud to be at this place in life where I wish only happiness on the people I love no matter how the circumstance ran its course.
To My Beautiful Boys & Their Father – WELCOME HOME
Hi boys you are all home and I hope it feels good to be back. It is always bittersweet when a holiday ends – home is nice but not nearly as exciting and so I hope you settle in and start dreaming up your next adventures. The cats were on Sam’s bed today while I was cleaning and they were purring and snuggling up all full of love. They are going to be happy to see you boys and Nelly too. Nelly has sort of enjoyed her time with me but I am sure she is starting to wonder what happened to her best fellas.
I have had a lot of time to be productive and get many life chores out of my way. I was also able to get some sleep in time and lots of time to write and get some perspective about life. I missed you guys so much but I am grateful for the time especially knowing that you guys were on an awesome adventure with your dad.
I wanted to say “thank you boys” ~ you have been ever patient, gracious and amazing while it’s been a pretty tough couple of years for me. Your forever love has not gone unnoticed. I also want to apologize for all of the ways I have been crazy, exhausted and often very angry. You have carried more than you realize and I hope I can make it up to you. I especially want to apologize for all of the times I got into crazy talk with your father. I am going to keep working on keeping myself in check and I hope you know that anything I have ever said in anger about him is my own anger and issues to deal with. That’s how life goes….we can’t blame other people for our actions…….I would like to but I can only take responsibility for myself. I want you to know that Barnabas is a good man and a good father. You will take some of my parts and some of his parts…both good and bad…. you will add in a larger part the person you are AND you will be another awesome person that got to live in this lifetime. Keep up the good work boys. I will do the same.
Barn thank you for taking the boys on this trip. It was nice knowing they were out and about seeing a new part of the world with somebody that loves them as much as me. To you I am sorry for all of my anger over the years. I understand more every day the part I played in our marriage not working out. Every day I am letting go a little bit more of my grief, anger, guilt and resentment. I wish for you joy and possibilities in your future ….. also a little more peace of mind. Thank you for bringing me these beautiful boys and thank you for letting me be at home raising them. I would never trade riches nor glory for the time I had with them.
I am doing one last thing for myself tomorrow…..it’s the thing I promised myself that I never did get a chance to do and if I don’t I might feel kind of pissed at myself. I am going to a yoga class in the morning but we will be up before lunch to hear all your stories and get some meat simmering on the stove.
I love you all forever and forever. Mama/ Nicole
We do the best we can with what we know at the time. We hope we get a chance to try again.
I have amazing beautiful friends but one in particular is often in awe of my big heart and simultaneously terrified of what I will do next.
Today she said “I am feeling motherly and so what about the thing I said? You’ve apparently not given any thought to my earlier suggestion that you seriously invest in some single-goodness??” She said this after a long listen to some of my stories and updates about men. But I have….I have thought about it a lot and I am….I am investing in some single-goodness. She put it better when she said it weeks ago “get into you…get into amazing you mom….get back into amazing you writing.” But I am not going to just drop what I have started…I don’t do that. We ended our conversation with me assuring her that I am in a good space and I am ~ I feel open and peaceful all at the same time.
Over the course of my day I thought of a number of small but significant occurences that show how much I have shifted. All of these things happened last week alone and they all refelct self care and reaching up vs reaching out to hold other people up. This has been an important lesson for me ~ choosing good things for me vs giving all of my good to others. I have a habit of recognizing pain in others and forgetting all about myself.
These are all signs that I am finally starting to get it ~ I am starting to choose me first”
- I stopped communication without explanation in a new relationship that was moving in a predictably bad direction fast. It was a fast road to old patterns and I stopped. I stopped later than most would but much earlier than I would of months ago. I realized I did not owe anybody an explanation and I did it without guilt. I clearly made the right decision when I never heard from him again anyways.
- A client tried to reschedule and I initially started rearranging in my mind what I could shift and shuffle to accomodate. It was all about trying to say “yes” and my anxiety was building. The cost was going to be my time relaxing with my kids. In the end I said “no sorry….as scheduled or we will have to cancel”. We cancelled and I felt total relief.
- In a specific moment…vs an afterthought I looked up to a man and said “that felt bad…I feel uncomfortable…I would never do that”. I was going to leave but I did not have to because he got down on the floor beside me and said “tell me how you feel…I am so sorry”. I chose me and he in turn chose me too. Who knew?
- I had the option of hiring one of two people. One had all of the attributes that would best support me while the other really needed the job. The other I felt empathy toward but I sensed unreliability. I hired the one that would support me vs the one I would be supporting. I am tired and I chose me…in the past it would have been the one that needed me.
- I had a friend come down to help me and paid her 20 bucks for an hour because I was in a bind. The work did not pan out and she really needed the cash so I said “take it and we can square up another time”. A couple days later I asked if she wanted to put in the hour and she said “absolutely” but part way through the day she asked for a ride to the site and a ride home after. I said “no”….I said “you can help me another time when it works better for you but driving defeats the whole purpose of you speeding me along.” This was especailly tough because she is a friend but it was TRUE….I had hired her for an hour/cash job so that I could be done early. Driving her made her help pointless and I chose me.
- THIS IS THE BIGGEST ONE. On my ex husbands weekends with kids I checked in as I always do. Via text “Are you working?” and “Do you need me to come up?”….I always go up….98% of my weekend “off” are actually my weekends “on” because while they are capable of staying home alone I want to be there for them and he often ends up working. But when he said “yes I am working…and yes you need to come up” I started to cry. I am exhausted and I desparately was needing me time, and time in my own home (because I actually spend all days at his house homeschooling/then most of my nights working). I felt resentment for the assumption that my weeends are never my weekends. I felt frustration for my own inability to say “hey sorry…my weekend…your weekend to be dad…do it well”. I felt irate when I thought about the past and double standards and how I would never ask the same thing from him. It was bad….I was indirect and then reacted and created a lot of drama but good came of it in the end. A lot was said that needed to be said and I am clear moving forward. I took my weekend off and I will take my future weekends off. I needed it and it is okay for me to recharge. It is okay for me to support me. I have been supporting everybody for a very long time.
It has been a long string of lessons for me of learning my value and worth. I am learning to choose me and I am learning to choose people that choose themselves. We make better teams this way.
The metaphor of the oxygen mask is so true.
Because who better to love me than the one who knows all of my light, darkness, beauty and beast? Once upon a time I beleived it selfish to love me….not entirely selfish but a little bit.But then in the moments of treasuring myself I saw how my heart opened to everybody.I saw how clearly a day of loving me….not waiting for another to love me….not giving all of my love away…..but loving me was an incredible gift to the world and beyond.
And I Shall Love Me – Forever and Ever Amen.
Something was shifting
and she could feel
herself coming around.
She was coming up
with fresh eyes and
a deeper love,
light and understanding.
Every ending is a new beginning.
Every rose has it’s thorns.
Always there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Something was shifting
and she could feel
herself coming around.
Soon she would have no choice but to SHINE.
Beauty was simple.
She could find it anywhere.
It was often in the things
undecorated and authentic.
Sometimes it was even
the most lovely as it was dying.
Beauty was simple.
She could find it anywhere.
“Leaning In” was a phrase she had heard before, more than once for sure. Along with ~ “Move Into The Pain”, “Sit With The Pain”, “Look At The Shadows”.
Perhaps what she had missed was that none of the above meant ~ quickly peak at the ugliness, glance over it briefly, and then skip quickly to the practice of positive thinking and looking for beauty.
Its not that he had never sat a little longer with her pain and demons but I don’t think she realized she would have to sit and look closely, pay attention, let it resonate and pierce her body, change her mind and engulf her soul.
And learn to love it? Love the shadows? Embrace the pain and self hatred that was in all of us?
It wasn’t pretty – “Leaning In” but she realized it was necessary if she was going to truly love herself and love others. She had to do it ~ there was no other way to the other side.